Story Lady Blog

I paid a visit to my eye doc yesterday.  The reason?  I’ve been having trouble seeing.  Truth be told: I’ve been having trouble seeing since I was nine, and my vision has progressively become worse.  My current prescription is -8 in both eyes.

Yep, I’m THAT blind.

I got glasses in third grade -contacts in 9th.  I haven’t been able to see without help in years.  YEARS.

Two nights ago, I fell asleep at the foot of my bed.  I was laying on my stomach, reading “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” and I crashed.  Next thing I knew, I woke up and my glasses and book had been moved to a safe location (NOT the foot of the bed) and I was asleep where I should be (NOT the foot of the bed).  When my husband woke up, I thanked him for putting my glasses and book in a safe place.  He told me he didn’t know what I was talking about.

Huh.

It seems like I’m instinctively protective of my sight enablers.  Even if I’m not aware of it, I’m taking care of them.  And I should.  Because they look like normal glasses and NOT like

Thank you, modern technology. THANK YOU!

Anyway, anyway this is all going somewhere.
My vision is as good as I can hope for (thank you modern technology), but I keep seeing weird … almost REFLECTIONS of lights right above the real lights.
For example: when I’m driving through a green light, I see the real green light, and then just above the real green like is a sort of reflections of it. This happens with all kinds of lights! Headlights, marquees, closed captions on television sets… so I finally went to the doctor.
He was stumped. The only explanation he could offer was really sort of complicated. Basically, I’m so blind that the light has to travel through all sorts of CRAP -ahem, my outrageously high prescription lenses, be they glasses or contacts -before it actually hits my natural eye. Somewhere between the natural light and my natural eye, the colors are reflecting, causing me to see (perceive) two.
I don’t understand.
I mean, I DO understand what’s going on, but I don’t understand WHY. WHY would this happen to a good little 25 year old girl who never once used the F dashdashdash word OR had her mouth washed out with Lifebuoy?

Though maybe I should give it a try:

I’m all about daintiness.
(snort)

Anyway, I’m blind. But at least I can still sort-of see. Mostly.

It turns out I have a little problem.  It started so small that I didn’t even notice what was happening, and then one day I woke up and had four different kinds of vinegar on my kitchen shelves -one of those being two gallons of white distilled vinegar.

Now, I ask you.  Is this normal?  But wait.  There’s more!

I went to Sam’s Club yesterday and bought spray bottles! You can get six for about $7! That, reader, is one HECK of a steal. But guess what? Guess what? I now have bottles filled with all manner of home cleaning products AND they are labeled AND I’m using them! This is some sort of record for me, so applaud.

I asked my husband, “You know the old saying ‘Patch it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without’?”
And he said, “No.”
I wasn’t to be deterred, so I went on anyway.
“It’s an old saying, and I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. With the economy the way it is, I’ve just noticed a huge trend in the country right now. That OLD saying is now… like, hip.”
I then went on to tell him how dirty my cookie sheets are but how they still work just fine, and instead of buying new ones (like I really REALLY want to!) I’m just going to suck it up, clean them as best as I can, and keep using them in hopes that my neighbors never ask to borrow them. Because they are WELL USED.
Anyway, this train of conversation eventually led to saving money and all of the many ways we do this.
Menu planning
Sam’s membership (NON-OPTIONAL!)
Buying 1/2 a cow from Pops (that’s not a company. That’s just my Dad. Though come to think of it, a company called “Pops” with him at the head wouldn’t be a bad idea at’all.)
Making syrup from Mapeline
Using homemade laundry detergent
Making gifts for people with what we have on hand
Repurposing clothes
Planting and Harvesting a garden

AND

Vinegar

Okay, don’t stop reading. Really. Don’t. My grandmother once told me to gargle vinegar when I complained of a sore throat. I thought she was loco, but that’s only because I was seven.
Now that I’m 25 and running a household with two children during a recession, vinegar has come to the rescue. If you have the faith to try it, it will absolutely revolutionize your life. You think I’m being dramatic. Okay, I’m being a little dramatic.
All I’m going to say is that, when used right, vinegar can clean windows, soften water, ring out dishrags, and I don’t know what all!
(It doesn’t ring out dishrags. In the middle of that sentence, I got carried away and quoted “Oklahoma!” Sue me.)

The point is: I’m out of mopping solution, but I have my vinegar.
I’m out of Downy, but I have my vinegar.
I hate my window cleaner, but I have my vinegar.
And now! NOW I have squirt bottles and know exactly how this guy feels:

Truth be told, vinegar works harder and better than most all of my household cleaners. So here’s a short list of my homemade home cleaning tips.

*substitute vinegar for fabric softener, ounce for ounce. It’s better for your clothes and your washer. My good friend, Cayla, passed this one on to me emphasizing that fabric softeners are made from animal fats. We are, neither one of us, animal rights activists. We just don’t want lard on our clothes. Amen.
*make a solution of equal parts vinegar and water and put it in a squirt bottle to use as an amazing streak-free window cleaner (polish with crumpled newspaper, if desired -and I suggest it because it makes your windows GLEAM), a dependable sanitizer (think doorknobs), all-purpose cleaner (counters and kitchen table), and it polished products without leaving a messy film on them.
*Every so often, rinse your dishes in a sink full of water with a cup of vinegar added to it. It makes them ultra clean.
*To get the smell out of your plastic dishes or cutting boards, dip half of a lemon in baking soda and rub your plastics down with it. As you rub, squeeze the lemon so the juice comes out and reacts with the soda. It smells good, sounds neat, and is generally pretty fun.
*Before doing dishes, dump a cup of baking soda down the drain and rinse it down with a cup of vinegar. Wait five minutes then run hot water down the sink for a bit. It cleans the drains out really well and is perfectly safe for septic systems.
*I forgot to tell you that I also use the lemon-dipped-in-soda thing for my counters sometimes.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You will not smell the vinegar in your laundry or your home. Okay? Well, you sort of smell it in your home but only right when you’re cleaning and for a few minutes after. BUT THEN it smells really fresh. Vinegar gets the smells out of basically anything. It also kills weeds. And now I’ll shut up because I’m getting boring.

If you’re interested in learning more about vinegar and all of the billions of things it can do, google “how to use vinegar” and a list as long as the world will pop up.
I heart the age of information.

As I type that word, I can’t help but think of David Spade.

“Housekeeping!”

Yesterday’s long post was about housekeeping -it’s true.  In a way, I’m glad it deleted itself because after I wrote it, I thought a lot about it and came to realize something.

A few years ago, I worked as a writing tutor for a community college.  Students of all shapes and sizes would come in.  They were all different, but they all had one thing in common: they didn’t GET English.  Well, that’s not totally true.  Some of them “got” English and only came to the Writing Center for extra credit.  Smart, smart.

But back to the others: I had a lot of students complain that they hated English because there were SO many possible “right” answers when it came to writing essays and papers.  I would always light up when they said that, “I know!” I’d gush.  “Isn’t it GREAT?!”

“Why can’t English be like math,” They’d sigh, “Math only has one right answer.”

The “math” reply always left me stunned.  English?  Like Math?  Ew.  Bleck.  And no thank you.

I once had a student come in with about 40 billion note cards (source cards).  She was writing a research paper.  She had done the research -BELIEVE ME -she had done the research.  She had written every fact she felt was important on a note card and then written where she’d found it on the back of the card.  Through tears, she unloaded her English stresses on me and I listened.  Then she unloaded her family stresses on me and I listened.  Then she unloaded her health stresses on me and I listened.  When she was done crying, I made ONE suggestion that completely simplified her project.

She tilted her head in one great big “AH-HA!” moment, dried her tears, and then left with hope.

After she left, I sort of laughed a little.

“It’s not that hard,” I wanted to say to her, “You’re making it so much harder than it needs to be.”  On the other hand, she was getting advice from the girl who once wrote a research paper the night before it was due and aced it.  We’re talking 100%.  I don’t tell you this to boast over my procrastination skills -something that is hardly admirable.  I only tell you this to make a point.  (Also, I should point out that I spent hours researching my topic.  I just didn’t make any physical note cards.  I just made mental notes.)

When it comes to housekeeping, I feel exactly like 40 Billion Note Card Girl.  EXACTLY.

I’d love to burst into Martha Stewart’s office and tell her all about my housekeeping stresses.  Telling her would eventually lead to telling her about my emotional stress and I’d inevitably get around to telling her about my physical problems.  Of course, I’d be sobbing the entire time.

I doubt Martha would listen though -unless she was getting paid like I was.  I bet she’d smack me, give me a few pointers, and send me on my way.

As a Writing Tutor, I watched students come in completely tense and stressed because writing made no sense to them.  I suddenly know exactly how they feel.  I remember thinking ‘It’s not THAT big of a deal.  Just DO it!’  I think Martha would say the exact same thing to me.

I love writing.  I would never trade my ability to write for the ability to keep house better.  I wouldn’t.  I just wish I GOT housekeeping.  I wish it came easy to me.  Like 40 Billion Note Card Girl, I’ve worked harder -not smarter.  I’ve tried different avenues to get to one goal, and in doing so got hopelessly lost in the woods.

I’m going in circles now.  I know I am.  I swear I’ve walked past that SAME pile of laundry 7 times now.

A few years ago, Tia gave me a book on housekeeping.  Don’t get any wrong ideas.  She didn’t come over, see my house, and then hand me a book on housekeeping with a pity half-smile.  She looked through the book and attached sticky notes to the funny pages.  The first paragraph, for instance, is funny in a “yeah right” kind of way.  Please take into account that the book (The Art of Homemaking by Daryl V. Hoole) is absolutely inspirational.  It is full of great tips, advice, and pointers.  It was written in 1962 and I KNOW that if I were to follow the book to a T my house and home would be absolutely oozing with syrupy sweet wonderfulness.  But I also know my own limitations and gifts.  I know that if I were to follow the book to a T that I would lose parts of myself that I treasure.  My late night writer, for instance, would be maimed beyond repair.  I know this from experience, by the way.  And I HATE maiming my late night writer!  She’s funny!

I’m getting off the point.  The point is this:

Just reading that sends me into a sort of panic. No complaining?  And I need to look nice?!  All the TIME?!

As we speak, I’m still in my PJ’s.  I served baked oatmeal to my family while wearing said PJs and I even went so far as to not even look in the mirror once today (yet).  And frankly, I’m feeling pretty durn good that they got wholesome food for breakfast (if you’re not taking a close look at the sugar and butter content)!  Victory!

I fall somewhere between those two women.  Burnt toast is never on the menu, but my hair is never quite that lovely, um, ever.

This picture was me two days ago. But instead of a book in my lap, it was Lappy. And Lappy was treating me to an embarrassing amount of “Parks and Recreation” episodes. Instead of chocolates, I was eating french vanilla marshmallows that I picked up whilst visiting Sister. And despite the fact there IS no mop at my house, I did spend part of that day mopping up the flooded laundry room. It’s all better now, thanks for asking.

Anyway, I’m spending too much time talking about this. I am. But what’s new?
The bottom line is: I need housekeeping help of the hired sort. Hired Housekeeping Help. I love alliteration.
However, I don’t want to pay for it -mostly because I don’t have the money to. So for now I’m stuck, wandering in circles in the woods.

But at least I feel better about the whole situation for having talked to you about it.
Sincerely,
40 Billion Note Card Girl