December 11th is here. It never passes by without NOT being here, and I never seem to forget that it’s coming. Dates, you know, can be damming things.

It’s the due date of my first pregnancy. I don’t cry when it comes around. I don’t really even mourn anymore… I just remember it. I get suddenly pensive and still in the middle of the Christmas season and I think of mothers who have lost pregnancies. I think of how misunderstood the whole process can be, how many painful things were said by loving, well-intentioned people.

Miscarrying taught me a lot.
I was really young -only 20. I had a lot to learn then, and I have a lot to learn now. Learning is the purpose of life -it’s the part I take with me when I die.
And I learned then that words don’t really help. More often than not, words HURT. I learned that when people are hurting -no matter if that hurt is about a mean word said, a loss, or depression -don’t use any words that aren’t in the script. The script being: I love you, I’m sorry, thanks for sharing that with me, here’s some chocolate.

Don’t tell me time will heal or talk to me about God’s plan.
Don’t give me books or talks or scriptures.
Don’t begin any sentences with, “At least” or “On the bright side…”

I know you want to love me in my pain. And you’re right! LOVE is what I need! But love can be given without explanation. It can be expressed in an embrace, in an empathetic tear.

I already “knew” what everyone was saying… that the baby wasn’t developing properly, that miscarriage is common, that I would feel better in time. I found quickly that I didn’t want to SPEAK TO or SEE ANYONE who hadn’t miscarried. Because THEY KNEW. THEY KNEW! More than the pain of going through the loss -a loss that felt largely like trying to grab at smoke to describe -they knew how misunderstood that loss is. It’s incredible how our life experiences help us BE THERE in ways others just can’t. It’s also amazing how I never understood that before. People who have miscarried need people who have miscarried for support. We all need support. The only thing our souls need more than a validating, “I hear ya” is God himself.

Today I just want to say that it’s December 11th and I’ll never forget December 11th.

I know the holidays can be beautiful and lovely, but I also know that there are people feeling loss at this time, and I hope when I see them I’ll be able to stick to the script.

I also want to say that I never expected 8 eight years ago that today I’d be gearing up to celebrate a baby’s birthday on December 12th. We’ve already had one cake and ice cream bash.
I got the cake design on Pinterest. Simplicity is the new Coordinating Party Decor with Cake and Outfits and Photo Booths and Cake Pops and Homemade Fondant Glitter Streamers and Centerpieces.
Okay, truthfully the only thing homemade about the whole thing was the frosting.
And the pink sprinkles DO coordinate with the white frosting nicely.

Later that night, I found her sitting at the table in dim lighting placing the blown out candles back on the cake and softly cooing, “Hatty Birrday do you… hatty birrday do you…” and mock-blowing the candles out. It was really sweet.
I watched on, munching on some late night turkey stew.
“Want a bite?” I offered.
“NO!” She’s two. We hear “no” a lot. And then she -I exaggerate not -threw her face into the cake and came up with frosting up her nostrils.

Is the world ready for this two year old?

Yesterday I got to stay home with a little 7 year old with a croaky voice (“SCRATCHY, Mom. It’s scratchy”) and so my day consisted of crocheting and drinking tea and reading books to my baby and burning wooden spoons and making lotion bars.
And at the end of the day (which fell apart, as most days with young children do, promptly at 4 pm) I was grateful. I miss staying home 100% of the time. I was truly awesome at not socializing.

Alice doesn’t care about germs. She only cares about the awesomeness of having MOM AND LACY with her in the morning hours.

Okay, mostly just Lacy

My two girls: one born on December 12th and the other on January 11th. They remind me of hope… they remind me of God, keep me humble and have even been known to guilelessly “bless you!” after I rudely belch.

Happy December 11th.

Yesterday, I received a phone call from Lisa at Hope Kids. I had talked with her on Friday about matching our project up with a family she works with. She promised to pray about it and call me back on Monday. Monday evening, my phone rang and Lisa said the words I’d been dying to hear all day, “I think we have a family for you.”
She told me about Benny, a two year old with a form of eye cancer. At his last scan a few days ago, Benny was cleared: cancer-free!

He has a 4-year old big brother and an infant little brother.

I thanked her, hung up, searched for his picture on facebook and then asked Lacy to pray about whether this family was THE family. This morning she told me first thing, “That’s them, Mom. I feel warm about it.”

As I thought about Benny last night, I thought about God’s love for all of us… EACH of us, no matter who we are, where we are, how much money happens to be in our bank account, or what color of skin, clothes, and make-up we sport.

There are louder stories -stories of children weeks from earning their angel wings. Thank goodness those are being talked about. Thank goodness for social media where we can donate and support those we’ve never met! Benny’s story isn’t so loud. It’s quiet. His story isn’t making headlines or taking social media by storm. It’s our story: the story of a family working each day to simply make it to the next day.
Does God know about US? Does God see us doing dishes and pulling out of the Drive Thru line for the third time that week? Does he see our seemingly small lives?

Benny is proof that HE DOES. Benny will spend the holidays with his family this year and, God willing, every year! He will run and jump and play basketball and video games! He will get into trouble and out of trouble (I mean, he has TWO brothers… so it’s inevitable). He has a bright future ahead of him.

But what about today? What about this very moment -the moment when the outgoing outweighs in the incoming. Mom is emotionally, physically, financially, socially and spiritually SPENT. There is nothing left. What then? GOD THEN.

A little heavenly tap on a shoulder somewhere. In Benny’s case, that shoulder was Lacy’s. Benny doesn’t know Lacy yet, but he will. He doesn’t know Alice yet, but he will. He doesn’t know that Trenton is already coming up with a list of things he JUST MUST HAVE, but he’ll soon have them.

We don’t know much more about this family, but we will.
We don’t know much about them, but somehow their quiet fight IS our story.

At this counting, Lacy has $1,079!
“I want to get them gifts,” she said, “And give the leftover money to them.”
She also has quite a lot of donated toys! She has a team just WAITING to sift through and process the toys! Benny and his family will receive the toys that will benefit their family with THREE boys. The rest of the toys will be lovingly collected and sent to Phoenix Children’s Hospital.
To those of you wanting to know more about THE family to buy specific gifts for them, here it is:

There’s Mom and Dad and three little boys (4, 2, and an infant -six monthsish). Aren’t those the BEST ages?! You can basically buy ANYthing, and it will be the most awesome gift ever. I know. I’ve had four and two year olds before!
I’m thinking Mom need a pedicure and a date night.
Any other ideas?

In our quest to find THE family, we came across several stories. I’ll post one here for you, in case you feel one of those heavenly *tap tap*s.

Here’s a more local family -they’re in Phoenix Children’s right now, but there are members of the family in Show Low, AZ:
Baby Ethan

There were a few more, but I’m struggling to track them down!

Merry Christmas, and really -THANK YOU for supporting Lacy through all of this.  I wish my computer were working so she could post a few words of her own.  This has been a blessing in our lives in SO very many ways!

 

A few months ago over the summer, I gathered my kids into my bedroom.  I lit a candle.  I talked about sharing light and read some scriptures.  I had the kids help me and one by one, we lit the candles in my room (there were about 20).  As the light in the room grew brighter, Lacy gushed, “THIS IS JUST LIKE HEAVEN!”

Since that night, we started asking the kids at the dinner table, “How did you share your light today?”

LIGHT has sort of naturally become our theme right now.  Sharing it, feeling it, loving it…

How do YOU share your light?

NOTE: I started this post before Lacy’s Operation Christmas Child Box Project took off and I only just sat down to finish the post off this morning.  If you only want an update on the project, scroll down until you see a picture of her sweet face!

 

When I start thinking of a post to write, I generally have a format come to mind -a theme, or a certain caption for a picture. Blogging, for me, starts away from the computer. Today as my mind began to fill with what today’s post would be, I found THREE posts kind of composing themselves in my head: one for each child. So I’m throwing them all together today so that my blog will really resemble my life: three kids all thrown together with a bunch of pictures, a few laughs, some inspiration, and a dose of authenticity.
We’re going youngest to oldest today.

“Toddler Calling Cards” a post about Alice Michelle
Everything about these pictures just says, “Hi, I’m Alice. I’m almost two, and I have BEEN HERE.”

Where do you keep YOUR toilet paper?

I know what you’re wondering so I’ll just say it: PERMANENT.

But at least I got to finish a phone conversation.

I had to shoot that at an angle to get my “prittee!” bow, and then I realized after taking it that…

It’s crazy how much we matchy-match.
Speaking of matchy-match:

Even when she doesn’t feel good, she’s still on the top of my favorites list.

Next up? TRENTON
First of all, it needs to here be announced (are you paying attention, Grandma?) that Trenton has passed off his pink and purple heart words and is now moving onto YELLOW heart words!

And he has two loose teeth which means he’s growing up.

He came home that day and was just SUCH a poop.  Is it okay to say that about your kid?  Because he was.  He demanded lunch and stomped his feet when I told him I needed to go to the bathroom first.  He threw and ALL OUT YELLING FUSSING FIT when I told him I was serving turkey and stuffing for lunch… I sent him to BED.  When he came out, his craptastic behavior continued, so I took a deep breath and then said, “Sometimes when we think too much about ourselves, we start to get really grouchy and have a hard time.  Your behavior is NOT okay.  Take a paper and make a list of THREE nice things you can do for other people.”

Here it is:

#1) Clean my room
#2) Rub Mom’s back
#3) Clean the living room

Genius list.
Speaking of genius… he created what I like to call Arizona Snowman. These are the kinds of snowmen that come about when it’s too cold to play outside but there’s no snow to be found.

Trent is SUPER GOOD at creating things, building things, finding gadgets and marrying them to other gadgets. And putting stickers all over his face, apparently.

Today, Trenton turned in his Thanksgiving packet at school -he really focuses on his homework, and he strives to be EXTRA NEAT. Follow through hasn’t really been his strength (because he’s SIX and hasn’t had time to devote here), so it’s fun to see him keep promises he makes to teachers at school. He also kept a promise he made to his teacher at church… leaving a “Secret Service” badge around the house. In this case, he’d done dishes…

While Lacy has kept him busy helping her with “Operation Christmas Child Box”, he has started his own sort of project… to make cards for Addie. He has made three cards so far, and it looks like we’ll be mailing off a package to Addie’s family... I think we’ll probably add a little gift. Bubbles? Lip gloss?

And Third, Lacy MET HER GOAL yesterday! ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Yesterday, we set her tree up at the community center, and minutes after her goal was met we settled in together and watched the LDS Church Devotional. It was perfectly timed, and tears came to my eyes for all the right reasons.

This also brought tears for all the right reasons:

And this:

And this:

The tree is up at the community center! #operationchristmaschildbox #Christmas #charity

A photo posted by Alicia Deets (@eashygayle) on Dec 12, 2014 at 4:47pm PST

 

Lacy’s tree is up at the Community Center and it looks SO GOOD! I have an entire SLEW of pictures to post -my computer is still on the fritz which is giving me a nervous twitch. I truly hate not being able to write when I feel the urge. Santa Baby, will you fix my computer on Christmas Eve Night?

 

After posting our last update, my computer decided it didn’t want to participate in my life anymore… apparently, I’m too much for it and it set a boundary -loud and clear.

We have quite a lot to update. No message or video from Lacy, unfortunately. Take it up with my computer. As I said, it’s not speaking to me anymore (drama, drama, drama…)

First, in FOUR days, Lacy has raised EIGHT HUNDRED AND SEVENTY DOLLARS.
She gathered her team together to work on the donation envelopes for her donation tree she will be setting up at the Marc Center on Main Street in Joseph City. They cut and punched holes and tied curling ribbon and giggled, giggled, giggled.

It’s been incredible to watch the outpouring of support coming Lacy’s way. Lacy is rolling naturally with it -giving is one of her NATURAL gifts. She is perceptive, and it’s a blessing in my life to watch her gift blossoming. We’re headed into town to buy her a few supplies for the cause, and gosh dang it ALL if our entire family isn’t on a high.

What a beautiful season this is turning out to be for us.

For the first time in my life, I’ve been privileged to FEEL the prayers of a family in need. I can FEEL it. I can almost *almost* HEAR the prayers of a family with a child in Phoenix Children’s Hospital. I don’t know who they are, but I know they’re praying desperately because they have NO IDEA how they are going to DO CHRISTMAS this year.

This is where you come in, my sweet Arizona friends -can you help us? Can you help us find this family? God wants us to find them, and I know we will. I have full faith that He will guide Lacy to whoever is pouring their tears into their holiday prayers.

Please share this post and my contact info with ANYONE who knows of a family in need in Phoenix Children’s Hospital. There are privacy laws in the hospital, but the unwritten privacy laws in friends and family are a little… looser. Family is allowed to reach out to us and say, “My grandson is confined to the hospital this year and there’s no extra money for gifts.”
Send a picture so we can pray for and about these children!

If you feel so inspired, reach out our way! We need to have a family selected by next Wednesday (the 10th). I do realize the hospital itself has a sponsoring system set up, but I feel like God wants us to reach a little deeper this year.

Can you join Lacy’s Helpful Hearts Team? It pays in natural highs (that are actually very addicting).

Email Lacy with info at: ladydeets0404@yahoo.com

Please share this post -there’s a family out there that God wants found!

Lacy’s Go Fund Me Page:

Hi my name is Lacy Deets.THANKYOU SOOOOOOOO much!!! I have so much mony.I have $445!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!This is the best thing in my
Life.If you guys want to see what I look like go to GOFUNEDME.COM/i1iW6S
.I love having you help me. YOU are the BEST
I have a team.And they help me starting tommorow.By the way… THANKYOU FOR EVREYTHING YOU DO!!!I LOVE YOU YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~Lacy

(She made sure to let me know she added a bunch of things that show you REALLY mean it at the end of her message.  Haha)

God is good. Did you know that?

I’m finding out more and more that God’s will is carried out in spite of me. I woke up this morning and had my day mapped out: work, pick up my son from school, thaw turkey to make dinner, finish blog post during rest time, teach piano… when I arrived at work, all of that changed. My husband’s employer asked for a flyer for Lacy’s project, so I googled “how to make a flyer.”

I sent it to my husband and then posted it on facebook casually. My feed exploded. My phone went off.

A few days ago, I said to my daughter who had so confidently set her goal at $1,000, “Even if you only get $20, that’s enough to buy a stocking and fill it with fun things!” She nodded eagerly, and then God proceeded to teach me a very valuable lesson about believing in your children when they are following their precious little guts. Her online donations, as she said, are at $445, but her cash donations bump that figure up a hearty $150… she has a box full of toy donations, donated gear to decorate a Donation Tree at the upcoming community tree festival, and she is over HALF WAY to her goal tonight!

As the flyer spread and word about her online fund got out, I created an instagram account to help facilitate The Good Tidings, but I’m learning it’s pretty ineffectual in my hands, seeing as I am to Instagram what Lyle is to shotgun.

My day that I had somewhat mapped out in my head slipped away from me, but something about it just felt so natural… I didn’t even have TIME to stress about dinner before a dear friend dropped in and left a juicy rotisserie chicken on my table. I didn’t even have a chance to worry about the dishes before an out of town friend stopped by and DID them.
How do I know such amazing people?
How did I get to be so blessed?
They didn’t even KNOW my day was full! They just followed their own guts and God led them here.

I looked over her list of donors, and there are so many of you who are my blog readers. I know this! I know this because I don’t have many blog readers! SO I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! I can’t tell you how much I’ve thought of you today and how grateful I am to know such truly GOOD people. I love my small blog like I love my small town. I feel almost as if there’s a small town within my blog: a community of readers with big hearts.

“Lacy,” I said to my daughter, “You have a lot on your hands and you could probably use a team…”
She is recruiting a very determined militia, you guys. We have a team of NINE.
“What are you going to name your team? Something like… Lacy’s League? or ELF SQUAD?”
“How about The Helpful Hands Team?”
“Where did you come up with that name?” I asked, thinking she skimmed it off a family-friendly movie (of which we have seen our share and your share and probably Phoenix Children’s Hospital’s share).
“Um, because my HEART,” she paused for emphasis and to point at her heart, “is HELPFUL.” She spoke slowly so as not to confuse the ignorant.

Helpful Hearts Team it is! I’m getting them all little t-shirts -a small reminder of their BIG offering.

I believe that Lacy is making a difference not just because she’s choosing to help a family who, I am CERTAIN, is praying for help tonight… but because as her light is shared on social media, it’s bringing HOPE.
Reading about her cause and her excitement is a gift, I think. It sort of sparks a light in everyone who chances to read it, even if they don’t know Lacy. They see hope in youth, they’re reminded of their own youth, their holiday soul-fire is ignited and nurtured.

Thank you, God, for letting us know loud and clear that this project is what NEEDS to happen. It isn’t something Lacy took on to prove anything or earn anything. It isn’t something I took on as a teaching tool for my children and then immediately felt self-imposed pressure to get the word out… overwhelmed at the idea of making it happen. No, it’s nothing like that at all. The sharing has come about at your hands, through your mortal angels, almost effortlessly.  The support, the donations, the love, the ideas, the absolute HAPPENING OF IT ALL is because YOU -my precious Father in Heaven -are GOOD. AND WISE.
This is important for me to remember when I start believing -as I tend to do -that I KNOW BETTER and my way is THE way.

I’m grateful tonight that my ways are not thy ways, that my thoughts are not your thoughts.
I’m grateful tonight for blog readers -my tight-knit community who, when their collective hearts are thrown into the arena, produce miracles.
I’m grateful for my children.

Today has been a day -one of those marked, blessed days that I’ve come to truly cherish when they stop to say hello -where there are no mortal words sufficient to crown it with, only deep emotion and a few photos to remember it by.

Sometimes my daughter does stuff that reminds me of my relationship with God. Sort of like…

She wakes up in the middle of a dark, scary night and RUNS for me. Once she’s in my arms, she squirms and kicks and fusses until sweet rest finds her. And then she sleeps in THIS position:

A sort of, “Do I HAVE TO? I don’t WANNA get up,” attitude bounces out of those photos.
After waking up (cranky) we got her ready for the sitters. She wore her feety PJs because they have Ana and Elsa on them and she refuses to take them off. I pick my battles, and I’ve been around long enough to know that you can’t win against Elsa.
So I let it go.
(I couldn’t help myself, okay?)
She slept for an hour and a half at the sitters and came home merry and bright. I had an hour and a half “break” before my piano lessons started, after which we were picking up a few donations for Lacy’s Project, after which we were eating dinner and decorating gingerbread houses with some friends.
At this point, my “shoulds” kicked in and I cleaned like crazy -dishes, vacuuming, picking up, dusting.
Alice asked for her high chair and then pulled this number:

When I went to save her from certain neck breakage, she simply said, “I’m stuck,” and looked down at the one leg she hadn’t managed to free from the buckle.
Stuck? You’re STUCK? Your problem is that?! No, sweet child. Your stuck-ness is what’s saving your bacon.
I sometimes I wonder if God feels the same way about me… I think He does.
“God, I’m STUCK. Get me out of what’s keeping me safe, preferably yesterday.”
“Alicia. No.”
“PLEASE?!”
At this point, I think God pats my head and chuckles. Because toddlers are pretty dang funny.

During my five music lessons, Alice ran out the door and onto the neighbor’s grass. I found her because her light blue jammies really stood out against the grey day yesterday.
“I want go home,” she said, reaching her pink, cold hands up toward me.

I do that too.
I leave home and wander out into the grey cold and soon my Heavenly Parents come searching for me. Sometimes I run in the opposite direction, but sometimes it’s so cold I reach my chilled pink hands up and say, “I want go home.”

And God lets me choose. He lets me choose to run away or reach up.
Letting me choose is His gift to me. He LOVES to let me choose.

I don’t QUITE understand this. I still have a hard time letting my kids choose. I have ONE rule when it comes to decorating gingerbread houses, and it’s simply, “Let them do whatever.”
But last night I found myself jumping in, “No frosting tips in the chimney.”
“No licking the roof.”
“Don’t make plans to destroy the house yet, Trent, it isn’t even done being decorated…”
“But MOM…”

I can’t imagine God’s side in watching me make crazy choices, but I hope someday to be more OKAY with the kids making crazy choices without piping in to STOP the crazy before it gets out of hand.
I guess decorating gingerbread houses is good training ground? Because when it comes to kids, candy, and Christmas… there is no stopping the crazy.

Alice surprised me by picking up the frosting bag and trying very neatly (for an almost-two year old) to pipe frosting on the chimney. She knocked a candy cane out of it’s spot.
“Dane it,” she muttered.
Monkey see…

(I spy a frosting beard.)

“Mom, when we smash the houses… we will get a little surprise from the chimmee!”
Trent is seriously more excited about smashing the gingerbread houses than he is about building them. And yes, he’s already checked our closet over to make sure we have enough hammers to go around. This kid does not mess around when it comes to destruction.

Last week, my daughter approached me with one of her many GRAND ideas…
“Mom, I was thinking I could sell hot chocolate and then take the money from my selling and dump it all in those things at Wal-Mart that hold money for the Children in the Hospital.”
She has long been fascinated with these contraptions -not because they’re fancy and swirl your money ’round and ’round but because the money is FOR SICK KIDS. She can’t stand the idea of sick children. She WANTS to help. She’d give everything she had if she could.
“You could,” I replied, “But you don’t have to go through Wal-Mart to do that.”
“What do you mean?” She cocked her head to one side and raised one eyebrow, her mouth showing a gap where she’d just lost a tooth.
“Just what I said… we are going to Phoenix in a couple weeks where there is a hospital JUST for kids! You can take your money, buy gifts, and take it to the kids YOURSELF.”
Her eyes lit up and instantly fell, “But I only have two bucks…”
I told her there were many people who would love to help her with her Christmas Project.
“But we can talk about it tomorrow,” I said, “It’s late… time for bed.” We’d just finished watching a Christmas movie after putting up our tree. I’d told the kids they could sleep next to the tree that night. I cozied up on the couch to keep an eye on them, and truthfully -I wanted to sleep next to the tree as well.
I woke up the next morning to find the living room floor covered in cardboard, duct tape, scissors and brown paper… and a BOX with a hold in the top sitting next to my sleeping daughter. She hadn’t rested until her donation box was made.
The next night, her father found her on her knees. She told him she’d been praying about her project.
A few days before she started working on her Christmas Project, a box had shown up at our door full of “SECRET SANTA” gifts. Lacy was deeply touched (we ALL were!) and immediately wanted to pay it forward. She saved the box our gifts were given in and has decided to use THAT VERY BOX for her project.

(THANK YOU TO OUR SECRET SANTAS!  WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE!)

A few days later, I helped her set up a Go Fund Me account.
“How much money are you hoping to raise?” I asked her, readying myself to type “$150″ or maybe “$500.”
“A THOUSAND,” she didn’t miss a beat -full of confidence.

A thousand it is.

Lacy Gayle is such a giving soul -anytime she had a hint of cash in her possession she immediately wants to give it away. I have a small set of gifts from her: a key chain, hot pink lipstick (“It’s your FAVORITE color, Mom!”)… This Project is so close to her heart. She beams whenever she talks about it, and I’m proud to help her.

I hope Lacy knows whenever she really feels something SHOULD be done, SHE CAN DO IT! I believe in her, and I know this project will come to pass! I’m inspired by her example, and after she’s delivered her Christmas Box, she’s told us her plans to go caroling at the nearby rest home, “because they shouldn’t be alone on Christmas, Mom.”

It’s entirely possible that Lacy Gayle Deets is actually an angel. A toothless angel.

click to donate!

Here’s some twinner weekend collages -two pictures related to one little story, all wrapped and ready for your reading pleasure.

Lacy pulled her tooth out in the middle of Wal-Mart. I screamed, she giggled. She always leaves notes and thoughtful gifts for “T-fairy” so T-fairy paid her back with an origami heart.

We hit up Dairy Queen for some classic Dilly bars because I’m a cool mom… a cool mom who made Alice angry by “helping” her eat. So maybe “hungry mom” is more fitting.

After attending the open house for the community center on Main, I came home with a door prize: a super soft throw blanket. The kids love it. On Sunday, Alice curled up and fell fast asleep under my arm and there we stayed for TWO HOURS on the blessed day of rest. Sometimes I just need two hours of listening to her breath, feeling her warm little body next to me, and letting the world pass by while I do it.

There’s one other member of our little family unit who loves the blanket and will -I found out the hard way -FIGHT for it.
Meet Apollo -our new pet. Believe it or not, he IS a puppy. Throwing a 15 month old dog into a family with an almost-two-year old is akin to adding hail, fire, and brimstone to a blizzard.
What can I say? I like to live on the edge.

Before signing off, I want to pass on a recommendation. If you have Amazon Prime, pull your throw-loving kids and puppy close and stream, “Gortimer Gibbon’s Life on Normal Street.” It’s kind of a great mix between “Pushing Daisies” and “The Buttercream Gang.”

I believe that God puts us where we’re supposed to be when we’re supposed to be there. That is, IF we will let Him, God will put us where we need most to be.

There’s a storm swirling and circulating around each of us -it’s tailored and fit to our individual needs, but the steady and constant thing in each of our lives is that there IS a storm. I’m going to tell you about mine.

There’s a barrage of SHOULD swirling around me, threatening to throw me to the ground, choke me, chain me, and break me. The Storm is loud, so loud -deafening.
Your skin should look like the skin of an 8 year old, even though you’ve had three kids and are pushing 30.
Your house should be completely orderly -there’s no excuse for clutter or dust or acting like you live there.
Your car should be shiny.
Your clothes should resemble 2014 because CLOTHES are the very MARK of your worth.
Your eyelashes should look bigger.
Your waistline should BE smaller.
Your boobs -honey, there’s no excuse for irregularities in this day and age!
Your linens should be crisp.
Your children should match.
Your snacks should be free of anything cancer causing and this means EVERYTHING.
Should
Should
Should
You should be at the store.
You should be practicing piano.
You should be cleaning.
You should be cleaning.
YOU SHOULD BE CLEANING.
You should be thawing meat for dinner.
You shouldn’t be EATING so much meat.
You should be going through clothes, putting aside what doesn’t fit and getting out winter clothing.
You should be shopping sales, buying spring clothes on clearance.
You should be clipping coupons.
You should be doing family history.
You should be doing visiting teaching.
You should answer your phone.
“What’s that? Oh, I totally forgot! I’m so sorry -I’ll be right there…”
Alicia, you SHOULD be picking YOUR SON UP FROM SCHOOL.

I’m reminded of my favorite apostle (am I allowed a favorite, Storm?) Peter who stepped out onto water:

In the middle of an ocean, in the middle of fog and lapping waters, Peter focused on the Savior and stepped out of the boat.
With his eyes LOCKED on the Savior, he performed a miracle -he walked on water! But we all know what happened next: he faltered. He took his eyes from his Lord and looked down and around and his head wanted to explode because
WALKING ON WATER and SHARKS and BENDING REALITY and SINKING and DROWNING
and Peter fell into the water.

The Lord watched Peter make the choice. He didn’t play Coach and coax him, “Hey, hey… eyes up here, Peter… don’t screw this up…”
He watched and let him make his own choice.

I have this same opportunity each and every day, and like Peter, Christ allows me to simply MAKE my choice. I can focus on my SHOULDS, and I can get a planner and a white board and a million different apps with a million different capabilities to do a million different things that SHOULD be done! or
OR
I can just look at the Savior in amazement as I come to grips with the reality that HE IS WALKING ON WATER JUST TO BE WITH ME, and I can perform miracles.
I learned last week that the Savior’s miracle of walking on water reaches far, far beyond what I thought. On Monday, after feeling prompted and then having a close friend straight up SAY, “I really think you need to stay off the Internet,” I logged off.

I -are you ready for this? -read scriptures from the actual books and I -are you sitting down? -listened to my CDs (I literally had to dig for them and DUST them off). I spent the week off of social media and stayed off the Internet except when my work required me to be on.
When I logged back on Saturday, I sifted through 100 notifications to find that I hadn’t missed anything. But what I learned while logging off was FAR MORE important.

Each day, I tried to focus on my Savior. I waited on Him, “What next?” I would ask, sometimes picturing myself with a black apron around my waist and a pencil hovering over my sketch pad… another pencil holding my hair in a bun.
It was all very, “would you like fries with that?”
Sometimes it was dishes. Sometimes it was a nap. Sometimes it was reading a book.
Yes, I found that when I wasn’t on social media, I had a void to fill. I remembered that I used to LOVE reading -I was the kid with a flashlight under my blanket, finishing “Matilda” in one solid day of sneakery (reading under my desk when I should have been listening…) and somewhere between marriage and children, I’d just given up the whole idea of imagination.
Because I SHOULD be cleaning.

I picked up a book my grandmother gave me when I was in Junior High.

My algebra teacher saw it sitting on my desk and raised his eyebrow, “Egotistical?” he asked.
Boy, the comebacks I would have had if I’d known what that word meant…

 
In Junior High, the book read almost like fiction. Sure I knew people died in WWII. I knew there was pain and anguish and horror, but like cancer -those were the kinds of things that didn’t happen to me or anyone I knew or loved at all in My Happy Untouchable World of Teenhood and Rainbows and Boy Bands.
But now I know more about pain and I know more about things happening to you that weren’t ever supposed to, and I’m reading “Alicia: My Story” with new eyes.

Alicia might have died if she followed her Storm, but she followed her gut instead. She ran from a mass grave, watched her mother take a bullet for her, pulled her brother’s body from a hangman’s noose, saved lives, was pulled unconscious from a pile of dead bodies and nursed back to health after being fed water intentionally infected with typhoid. Broken ribs, broken teeth, broken heart, broken soul.
She came to be the ONLY surviving member of her entire family.
Time and time again, she was EXACTLY where she needed to be to hear the things she needed to hear and get the things she needed to get and see the things she needed to see.

Was it chance? Of course it wasn’t. It was God.

As my week went on and I felt God telling me to pick up my book or pick up my kids or pick up myself, I began noticing my storm less and less.
I began listening more and more to my gut.
Soon after, a bag showed up on my door step FULL of clothes for Alice. I needed them! I truly did! In fact, my storm had been stressing me to white board an organized plan to sell crafts to make money to buy clothes for Alice! using coupons! and apps! and online deals!
But my storm wasn’t my focus this last week -Christ was. And while performing the unfathomable miracle of desiring me to walk on water toward Him, HE managed that part of my storm.
Boom. Clothes.
This strengthened me, and I looked firmly at the Savior despite the head cold that made me feel like my neck was suddenly too weak to hold my 50 pound head up. That’s when four young girls came into my house and said, “We’re here to do whatever you need.”
My house was quickly cleaned and vacuumed -a book read to my son.
Boom. To do list checked.
The next day, my neighbor gave me food. I needed food, you know, because I have these people around me that keep eating it. And I knew Thanksgiving was coming, and I knew we needed a turkey because our freezer is dwindling on the meat side. I didn’t know how we’d afford it.
“By the way,” my neighbor said as she passed cabbage and potatoes into my arms, “Safeway is having sales and I need a lot of the stuff they’re selling. I’m going to spend $100 easily which means I’ll get a free turkey. But I hate turkey… can you use it?”
Boom. Turkey.
That evening as I walked from her house to mine with a frozen turkey in my hands, I looked up at the bright Northern Arizona sky (where the stars can be seen so clearly and beautifully) and I just said, “Thank you.”

God will let me choose. He will LET me clip coupons and download apps and CONTROL AND MANAGE ALL OF THE THINGS. I will keep my head *just* above water as a tread effectively and efficiently.
OR
OR
OR
I can stay on top of the water. WALK on it.
WALK ON WATER in a house that looks less like a SHOULD and more like Alicia.
WALK ON WATER in clothes that look less like a SHOULD and more like Alicia.
WALK ON WATER with kids who look less like a mold and more like THEMSELVES.
WALK ON WATER with simplicity and peace and serenity, letting go of control and focusing on God, asking my gut and my God what my Next Right Thing should be.

What now, God?

And then DO it. Miracles are behind the swirling storm. Miracles.
But I can choose the storm, and I’m here to tell you that I DO. I DO CHOOSE that stupid storm sometimes.
But I’m also here to tell you that I’m finding the courage to tap into my true self and delve into a world full of simplicity, truth, peace, and a beautiful miraculous CALM.

This means I’ll be checking facebook maybe ONCE a day, right before bed and never on Sundays.
This means I’ll be reading more books.
This means I’ll be doing The Next Right Thing for now and always, letting the future sit in the hands of Him who stands before me.

What next, God?