Last October, I started working as a Social Media Director for a SA Lifeline -a non-profit out of Utah dedicated to helping individuals, marriages and families heal from the effects of sexual addiction. This means I spend a few hours a week posting updates, reading articles to retweet and cruising the internet for inspirational and helpful tidbits to pin.
It is eye opening and uplifting for the most part, but I have to be careful with my time. I have to be VERY deliberate with my time online, especially when I’m researching healing from sexual addiction.

There are a lot of trolls out there. I’ve come across more accidental porn in the last few months than I have in my entire lifetime.

My personality is pretty peppy and puppy-like, so when I’m hit with a slew of cynicism, it feels like someone kicked me.
Kicked puppies are the mopiest.

Two nights ago, I sat on the edge of my bed. The kids were fighting in their room, and I was just so stretched. I felt pain. Where was it coming from? Social media. It is a tough place to be sometimes.
So get off? Right?

Sometimes that is the answer. But right now it isn’t. I can set more boundaries for myself in the form of time spent on and sites visited, but what was pulling at me was a few articles written and passed around social media -articles written about why the LDS church is at least false and at most a cult. This struck a hard chord, reverberating the pain aim directly at me in October when I was found by some really angry people who had left the church.
“When her husband leaves her and gets his children away from the cult, he will be so happy. I hope he finds this forum and freedom.”

I wonder if maybe I’m dumb. For staying, I mean. Is there something WRONG with me? Am I some kind of blind sheep just wandering with the flow of the crowd? Am I brain-washed like they say? Am I incapable of thinking for myself AND NOT EVEN AWARE OF IT because I’m so brainwashed?

It really hits a core issue in me: I’m doing it wrong.

When I began a 40-day yoga program after the online bullying, that was the message that came through and through and through.

You’re doing it wrong.
You’re standing wrong.
You’re breathing wrong.
You’re weight isn’t distributed properly.

I’d get off the mat, and the message traveled with me.

You’re cleaning wrong.
You’re dressing wrong.
You’re parenting wrong.
You’re eating wrong.

I realized -this was painful -that I’ve lived this way for a long time. Believing and fearing LIVING WRONG.

I want to get it right which is an okay desire, I think. But when perfection is driving that desire, it can get really defeating. I’ve been whittling away at this belief with God. We’re utilizing tools like counseling, affirmations, music, yoga, scriptures, prayer, church going. I’m learning how to dance with grace. Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t mean that I’m DANCING GRACEFULLY. That isn’t going to be part of my earthly story. What I mean is that I’m learning how to make God’s Grace part of my life.

That means I’m progressing.
That does not mean that I’M THERE.
Truthfully, I won’t be THERE on this earth. This is a life-long journey, whatever that looks like.

The other night on the edge of my bed, I felt that old belief ringing in my ears with kids fighting in the background.
“You’re RELIGIONING wrong.”

I hate that.

I ran toward the pain, just like yoga teaches me to do, and started praying. I prayed myself to sleep, and my pillows and blankets felt more welcoming than normal.
Lately, prying myself out of bed has been really hard, but that next morning I woke up early. and easily.

I opened my scriptures on my phone, started reading one of the Sunday School lessons I’m going to teach in February. I landed on this:

That word: receive. It kept popping up. I thought about a discussion I’d had with my Sunday School kids, about how receiving is a verb, an ACTION word. It is a beautiful act of gratitude, digesting, processing and acting upon, all wrapped up in one little word.

By then, the sun had started creeping up. I opened the curtains in my living room and sat on my mat, facing the light. I crossed my legs, closed my eyes and let my hands fall in my lap, fingertips touching.
I assume my meditation position naturally now.

I inhaled, imagining my breath wrapping around my spine, touching every tense part of my being.
I exhaled, imagining the old musty night escaping -evaporating in the radiant morning light.

In my stillness, I felt a communion with God. I felt as if I were simply sitting with Him. I didn’t say anything… but He did.
“He that seeketh shall find.”

I’ve heard it so many times before, and I have understood it. But in one sacred moment, God whispered it in such a way that I understood by the Spirit THE FLIP SIDE.

Whatsoever man seeketh, he shall find.

If we seek joy, we find joy.
If we seek peace, we find peace.
If we find happiness, we find happiness.

And all three are vastly different, this I know from experience.

It also follows that as we seek pain, we find pain.
If we seek negativity, we find negativity.

Most of the negative things I seek, I don’t conscientiously seek… but I find them nevertheless.

“He that seeketh shall find” has always felt empowering to me. But yesterday morning I felt the gravity of what God was telling me settle in my soul… it is as empowering as it is damming.
The mind is powerful, so powerful. It is capable of harnessing success, failure, health, sickness, peace, sorrow. The power of the mind has been a fascinating topic of research for ages.

I was listening to some Neville Goddard a few weeks ago, and I loved hearing the passion in his voice -he truly believes in the power of imagination.
I appreciated that I’d listened to that before I’d ended up on the edge of my bed a few nights ago -it helped me RECEIVE the message from God. I can seek out darkness or light, and it will be added unto me.

My mantra as I raised myself out of meditation and into Mountain Pose was simply, “I release.”
I spent 30 interrupted minutes (kids!) sending that mantra through my being, “I release.” I walked off my mat and tossed a question through my mind, “What am I seeking today?”
It brought so much self-awareness. I found myself skipping songs on Pandora that just didn’t VIBE with that I was seeking -not that they were awful songs, but their tempo wasn’t quite right or the voice or the general FEEL of the song. I moved some decorations around. I finally wiped the cobwebs off the light over the table.

I find those who stay in the LDS church are generally more quiet -not writing viral blog posts or trying to argue their points. They are content, peacefully striving to live what they believe. Messing up, picking up, and working on their personal progression.
There are so many loud voices that are against the LDS church -writing viral posts and arguing their points. I don’t find peace there. In the forum fully directed at me, there was no love, no allotment for imperfection, no peace.

Which sphere do I seek?
The one that allows for small, blessed mornings on my mat when God speaks to me while I sit at his feet. That is what I desire.
As I seek light, there is no room for the shame that whispers, “you’re doing it wrong.”

That’s what I want to leave my own kiddos -the knowledge that what they have inside is the RIGHT THING, and to SEEK after their own divinity and intuition. I want them to know they can trust themselves implicitly, and to leave off anyone (or anything) who plants doubt there.

If I left nothing but a legacy of SEEKING LIGHT, that would suffice.


  1. Beautifully written. Thank you for something so honest and uplifting!

  2. <3 Thank you for always inspiring me with your posts.

  3. Beautiful and inspiring post! Thanks! :)

  4. You are amazing, and no matter what the nay sayers say, even if that’s sometimes yourself, never listen. With whatever imperfections of doubts you are carrying around, your love, truth, compassion and openess has helped so many people. You’re doing good work lady!

  5. Thanks for your insight and journey of discovery. My son cuddled up to me today, saying, “Mom, every time I get called in class to answer a problem , everyone looks at me. I told him , some people look at you because they want to see you fail, some will want you to see you succeed. Most of them want to see you succeed. Don’t let those mean ones get you down, or hold you back, from success. Who cares what anyone thinks, really, the only one you have to worry about is God. The only ones who really lose are the ones who don’t try.

    I was in your ward for a short time, you were a relief society teacher. I enjoyed your lessons every time. Once a sister made a comment that was a little judgemental of something you said, believe me my jaw hit the floor. (I have been in Relief Society for years and in many different wards and had never heard anyone do that) You handled your self and the situation with Grace. I wanted to stand up for you, but you answered very meekly, and she quit. It was a good lesson for me. I tend to get a little riled if someone is rude to me, and watching you, made me recognize how much better it would be to bow out and let other’s have their opinions, it doesn’t mean my opinion changes because I don’t bicker with them, it just means we disagree.

    • THANK YOU, Deena! So so great to hear from you, we miss you! I appreciate your insight and validation… the only one I have to worry about is God. I love that truth!!

      I remember that lesson SO WELL. You give me too much credit though! My reaction was one of shock, not grace. :) After that lesson, I went to my car and cried and cried. I called a friend and cried more. I went for a walk and cried with God and told Him I WAS ANGRY AT THE MEAN LADY and I COULD NOT TURN MY CHEEK OR FORGIVE YET.
      That lesson was a huge growing experience for me. It took me a long time to forgive and come to a place of peace. Knowing that you had my back there means a lot and it was a tender mercy to see your comment this morning. I still think about that lesson.
      I hope someday to answer from a place of true meekness when things like that happen because, like you said, it’s okay to just let others have their opinions.
      So good to hear from you.

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