Like Sands in the Hour Glass

January 31st, 2015

7:00 am -My alarm goes off. I only hit snooze twice and get out of bed by 7:15, in time to pick up the living room and start baking boxed gluten-free muffins.

7:30 am -My cousin, Rissy, knocks on the door and we quietly start watching the first episode of “Death Comes to Pemberley.” We don’t waste time with “howdeedos.” We know the children will wake up. I go into the kitchen to cut up fruit and pour juice into a fancy glass pitcher so we can drink it from fancy glass glasses. I dump half of my Nutella into a crystal sugar jar. I put down my wrinkled vintage tablecloth onto the piano bench. We pause the movie, bless the food, and we fancy feast.

8: 30 am -minutes before the first episode ends, Lacy wakes up. “Mom, I wet the bed, but only a little.”
“Thank you for telling me,” I say and hand her a strawberry slathered in Nutella.

8:31 am -Trenton wakes up. “I peed the bed, Mom,” he says. I laugh a little. I make a mental note that hot chocolate before bed isn’t the best idea I’ve ever had.

8:45 am -Fifteen minutes into the second episode, Alice wakes up. She runs full-force into the living room, sending out rays of energy through her wide open arms, “GOOD! MORNEEN! NEIGHBOR!” She watches a lot of Daniel Tiger these days…

9:00 am -I change Alice. The kids raid the Fancy Feast and there are no strawberries left. I am reminded once again of how grateful I am for closed captioning.

9: 15 am -Alice is only wearing a shirt and a smile. I think of diapering and putting pants on her again, but I’ve learned how stupid that can be, and I don’t like doing stupid things usually.

10: 15 am -I take Apollo out to use the bathroom and think of my new mantra, “Accept where I am” because instead of focusing on a dog’s read end, I’d rather be inside with the Nutella and Edwardian Murder Mystery.

10:45 am -The Who Done It is up, the Murder Mystery is over. Rissy goes home. Alice finds the crystal sugar jar with Nutella and has her way with it. I let her because she’s finally quiet. I’m also a little jealous because she’s still pantsless and hiding behind the couch where she doesn’t have to share the Nutella and no one needs her.

11:15 am -Alice squats and pees on the carpet. Potty training continues to evade us despite our best efforts. I begin to wonder if I should take her out with Apollo…

12:20 am -While blogging, my phone rings. I answer it. I walk into the kitchen to find 6 packages of Swiss Miss and two crumbled gluten free muffins dumped onto the floor. I open my new broom as I talk on the phone and break it in well. I can’t seem to use a dust pan and talk on the phone at the same time, and my phone conversation is very important so I stop sweeping. Unbeknownst to me, Alice had been vulturing the situation and as soon as I looked away, she sat next to the pile of powdered cocoa and gave it a good tossing.

1:00 pm -Danny comes on the scene and sweeps the kitchen properly.

1:10 pm -Alice gets a bath.

1:20 pm -Mom is frantically trying to get everyone out the door to watch Holbrook High School’s 2 o’clock matinee performance of “Alice in Wonderland.”

2:01 pm -we pull out of the driveway to catch the 2’o clock showing. We will be late. But Alice is wearing pants.

2:20 pm -we walk into a darkened theater together. Lacy laughs at all the right jokes -even when they aren’t obvious, and this makes me very proud. Trent laughs at all of the obvious jokes and the crazy costumes and this makes me laugh as well. Alice says, “OH CWAP” over and over -she was only parroting one of the performers who went off stage and forgot to turn their mic off.


4:00 ish pm -Lacy begs for a picture with the Cheshire Cat.

4:10 pm -Lacy and Trenton beg to go to the park while Danny and I shield ourselves against the cold breeze outside. There is no sun out. We promise the kids that we are going somewhere WAY COOLER than the park. We are going to a place where it’s warm and cozy and pants-optional (apparently). We are going HOME. They hate us.

4:30 pm -I am struck with a genius plan to create a Pediatric 12-step program for electronics.

5:00 pm -The breeze dies down and the sun comes out. I look up from my book and out the window and begin to soak in the splendor of the golden sun shining on the billowy rain-looking clouds when my toddler plants herself on my lap. “Want walk-walk wiff ‘Pollo.” My immediate reaction is to try and talk her out of it, but she’s already got her shoes and her jacket, and I begin to realize that instead of looking at the sun outside my window, I could actually soak some of it up with my favorite people. I spend five minutes arguing with Alice, just to hear her adorably insist on “WALK WALK” and “COME ON!”
“Can I go potty?”
“No! Walk walk wiff ‘pollo.”
So the kids and I venture out to Grandpa’s farm with our coats on. Well… MOST of us.

5:07 pm -Trenton runs from Grandpa’s farm back home to get his coat.


5:15 pm -Trenton finds two small adjoining puddles on the road and begins using a stick to unite them. “I’m going to shovel out the mud so they can be one,” he says, and I immediately think of yoga and how I use it to shovel out mud so my body and spirit can be one. It helps me make better decisions throughout the day, and I take a picture to remind myself that children can be profound… especially mine. Then I flip my hair.

5:25 pm -I am refreshed. The sun, the evening, the golden rays, the children, the accepting of where I am… the muddy road of Dad’s farm holds some kind of magic in it.


5:30 pm -held hostage by the Evening Enchantment, I persuade Lacy to make some popcorn for us all to enjoy on the porch. She makes specialty popcorn with kernels and a lunch sack and melted butter and a microwave.

5:32 pm -I remember that I not only have a dog, but cats as well. And it looks something like:
The Enchantment begins to weaken as I gaze upon Poor Kitty:

5:35 pm -Lacy informs me that she’s very sorry, but she’s broken a bowl… it had melted butter in it, but now? The Enchantment weakens further.

5:37 pm -Alice steps in wet dog poo. The Enchantment dissipates as I pull Alice’s shoes off and dry heave.

6:00 pm -I make taco soup.

6:15 pm -Alice begins a rowdy game of “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not” on the kitchen table:

7:00 pm -We begin watching the original “Cheaper By the Dozen” as a family. The kids complain about taco soup.

7:15 pm -The kids lose interest in the movie.

7:30 pm -Alice falls asleep too early because her afternoon nap was cut short.

8:20 pm -Danny cries at the end of the movie and hugs me very tightly.

8:30 pm -Tampon and pad wrappings are found on the floor… how handy that Alice is peacefully slumbering *right* at the time her dirty work is discovered. That kid is all cheek.

9:15 pm -PJ time, scripture time, prayer time.

9:20 pm -Alice wakes up. Of course she does.

9:30 pm -Lacy reminds me that she’s peed her bed and wonders where she will sleep since Mom forgot to wash her bedding?
“Didn’t you say it was just a little bit? I’d assumed you just went your pants a little…”
“It IS a little! The spot on my bed is like…” Lacy’s arms make a rather large circle and I drop my head.
“You can make a bed on the floor.”
Lacy is horrified.
“Trent you can sleep next to her since you wet your bed too.”
“Um, Mom?” He asks, cautiously.
“I slept in YOUR bed. ‘Member?”
I begin mentally singing Queen in my head, “Is this the real life?…”

10:00 pm -The kids are in bed. Their door is closed. I get into bed and just as I put my glasses on the nightstand, Lacy calls out to me. Once, twice, THREE TIMES THE LADY! I put my glasses back on, turn the light back on, go into her room.
“Alice is playing Trent’s Leapster,” she points to the toddler who is truly addicted to other people’s electronics.
I ask her to shut it off. She obeys (!!!! Hello, Bright Spot!) and I tuck her in. I close the door. I turn off the lights. I put the leapster in bed with me.

10:05 pm -Lacy is up, Lacy is slamming her door. Lacy is trying to help Alice get her bottle. Because their bedroom door doesn’t sit on the hinges right, Lacy can’t close it.

10:06 pm -Glasses on, lights on, “Lacy, do not get up again. Alice, GOOD night.” Lights off, glasses off, “no escape from reality.”

2:45 am -Alice is up and crying. Her cries aren’t normal, and as a mother I instantly know she’s thrown up. It’s a gift… it serves it’s own grotesque purposes. I put her into the tub. I begin a rinse cycle on the clothes I left in the washer. I find she’s thrown up twice: once in the hall, once in bed. I strip bedding. I wash the baby. She hates me.

3:10 am -“I want Let it Go” and we are snuggled on the living room floor. Alice throws up again. THREE TIMES THE LADY! I rejoice that the wash cycle has *just* started and instantly throw in her shirt and the blanket she made her deposit on. She’s chipper and snuggly and when I put a new shirt on her, she gushes thanksgivings. She sings “Do You Want To Build a Snowman” with the most adorable voice and the most deplorable breath.

5: 38 am -I wake up on the living room floor to the sound of Frozen’s menu. Alice is sound asleep next to me. I start the movie over again and turn the volume down. Alice sleeps better with a little noise.

5:40 am -I go back to bed and pride myself on getting to the bottom of why I’m looking older than the 29 year olds I see on TV. I drift off to sleep to the theme song of “Days of Our Lives” and laugh a little remembering the day my Dad came home for lunch and found me watching the day time soap with my Mom. He wouldn’t let me watch it anymore, and I was pretty devastated. At least my own life holds it’s own little thrillings.

Although you can’t actually SEE it, I’m basically buried alive right now.

These. Are the days of my life.

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