Sledge Hammered

Yesterday, the entire world was made of invisible sledge.
Did you notice?

Everything close felt distant: dogs barking, phones ringing, children asking for food *ahem*
I woke up and felt it immediately. Putting my feet on the ground and willing them to take just. one. step. more. The kids made it to the bus and the sledge put me back to sleep. The baby felt it too and drifted back to sleep in her high chair.
I woke up TEN MINUTES before I was supposed to be at work.
I still hadn’t showered or dressed and THAT’S when the sledge went too far. I shook my fist at it, raged and yelled.

The sledge muffled my words, wadded them up, and stuffed them right back where they came from.

I had THINGS I had to do! Shopping for milk and chocolate, cleaning of mold growing in dishes -flashy, I know.
Part of me wanted OUT of my yoga pants. Part of me never wanted to take them off.
Part of me wanted a shower. Part of me never wanted to get off the couch.
Part of me was incessantly pep-talking, “you CAN! you CAN! MOLD BE GONE!”
Part of me was incessantly snoring on the inside.

I pulled into the drive from work, telling myself THAT I WOULD TAKE CONTROL with my LISTS!  and my COMPUTER!  As I rounded my porch, I found a book.
It was just sitting on my porch.


How did it get there? God? Angels? Sledge?

I put my son in front of the TV for his rest time and put Alice down for a nap. It was the perfect time to beat the sledge and clean! I took exactly four shaky steps and knew.
The Sledge was too powerful. My body hurt. My mind wanted to explode.
I was physically weak and needed down, rest, blanket, stat.

at 12:30, I picked up the book.
at 4:30, my mom called from the store and asked what I needed (milk! chocolate!)
at 5:30, I finished the book.
at 6:30, I got rid of the mold.
at 7:30, I ate two Dove chocolates and read their messages, “It’s OK to slow down” and “Give yourself permission” respectively.
at 8:30, the older two kids gave themselves baths to match the bath the sitter gave my baby that morning.
at 9:30, I watched Jimmy Fallon hashtag videos.

That said:
Everything got done that NEEDED to get done.

I sometimes think I have to control and manage everything with my lists and my computer and my mom powers, but I don’t. In fact, when I GIVE THAT UP, I end up making room for what ACTUALLY needs done.
I haven’t read a fluff book in years, but I did yesterday. I discovered a GREAT author, something I don’t find much of lately. Because of the lack of great writing floating around me, I steer myself clear of anything written after 1950, just to stay safe and only venture out if my family gives it to me or it mysteriously turns up on my porch. I was inspired and uplifted and entertained, and I was STARVED for that.
The Sledge is something physical going on with my body that requires REST, something I don’t allow for in my listy computery life.

If I can’t physically SEE something going on with me, I don’t allow for rest. Naturally stress gives way to sicknesses and sicknesses give way to mold growing in my kitchen and mold growing in my kitchen gives way to Sledge and Sledge gives way to an afternoon spent reading a truly great, fluffy book.

Today I feel better physically, and instead of turning to my lists and inane belief that I HAVE CONTROL OVER EVERYTHING, I’m going to just write.
Write a lot.
And then wind up a rat’s nest of yarn that’s congregated next to my recliner because having a crochet habit and a 22-month old is pretty much stupid.
If I had sense, I’d pack my projects away.
As it is…

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