Once upon a time, I got an email informing me that I qualified for a free ancestry.com account.
Who doesn’t like free stuff? This is The Age of Entitlement, am I right? Sadly right…
I logged in and immediately typed in a name of a relative I’ve been searching for more information on. I didn’t expect any sound results because I’ve been scouring the Internet for YEARS on this person.
I’m here to tell you that within a few seconds, I found this person’s father, mother and ALL of his siblings. ALL. And I found spouses of the siblings and those spouses parents! and children!
Five hours later I’m forcing myself away from the black hole that binds me.
Why does it bind me? BECAUSE I’m truly obsessed with people. Just when I start to lose steam, I find a picture:
Everyone, meet Manuel.
(Hi, Manuel…)
I see that picture, and I need more. I have to have more. Manual needs to be sealed to all 7 of his children. And la! What’s THIS?! I find a deputy! Shot to death while chasin’ down HORSE THIEVES!
And HIS ONLY CHILD!
Who has, herself, 8 children. And some did get married…
I’m downloading a picture of a flag (a Germanish flag) as my daughter brings me carrots and ranch. Good, no need to get up…
The baby sleeps, my son shoots me with a plastic arrow.
(Sorry, Mom.)
I find a census… the relative I looked years for is RIGHT THERE in beautiful calligraphy.
He was a FARMER. Isn’t that amazing? I wonder what he farmed. ORANGES?!?! He lived in California, after all. That’s what they farm there, right?
The baby wakes up.
I take screen shots with my phone. Email pictures to myself. Copy, crop, cut, collage.
BAM! Proof that he had 5 children.
One became a laborer… the one attached to us. At 17! What a good son…
The baby needs a bottle.
Five hours later.
I finally have to go to the bathroom, and there’s an end of it. But my heart breaks knowing there’s a web of dead people waiting for me to uncover their names and take them to the Temple to be sealed to their families.
for ETERNITY.
I can’t help but feel they’re hovering over me going, “Seriously? THE BATHROOM AT A TIME LIKE THIS?! MY SOUL IS AT STAKE!”
I’ll be back tomorrow. I need to practice moderation here.
Is there a support group for people who seem to have no self-control when it comes to the souls of dead relatives?
I.
can’t.
stop…
Could YOU?!
Andrew Kriss, true lawman, your soul is safe with us.
And the soul of your daughter and her husband and their kids and their kids’ spouses and their inlaws and the goats and cows and kittens and puppies and rainbows.
Okay, seriously. I have to pee…
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