Bit o’ Truth

While I haven’t been blogging these last few months, I have been learning. I’ve been learning a lot!

Part of me wishes I wasn’t learning because for me learning equates going through something very hard. And if I’m not going through hard things, I’m comfy. And I yearn for that comfort sometimes -the shallow outlook I had before that consisted mainly of worrying about what other people thought of me… that’s pretty much all gone now.

I can’t share with you everything I’ve learned, mostly because I feel I shouldn’t and partly because I don’t know how to put it all into precise words.
I don’t usually blog on Sunday, but Sunday is a good day for truth, and I’d love nothing more than to share this TED talk with you because it contains SO MANY of the truths that have been thrust upon me as of late.

I don’t know much which is 100% LESS than I thought it was a few years ago. I thought I knew how to help and save and answer… but now I walk around rested, comfortable in my knowledge of what I don’t know.
And that’s everything, pretty much.
And look! It turns out I’m in a different comfy place -one that involves less worry, even. But a lot more inner burning and growth (ouch, okay?).

I want to end with something bold, something that’s been on my mind all day, something that’s pestering and festering.
Here’s the thing: I lie when people ask me how I am -not because I feel a need to put a front on (you know me better than that and I have a picture of my dirty bathroom posted on the world wide web to prove it) but because I DON’T WANT TO BE FIXED.
When someone asks me, “How are you?”
I want the freedom to say, “Tired” without someone telling me to be grateful.
I want to say “exhausted” without someone giving me a diagnosis and herbal remedy.
I want to be able to say “stressed” without someone freaking out because I’M NOT OKAY.

I AM NOT OKAY, but I’m totally okay with it.
When someone feels inspired to drop by or to give me an herbal remedy, that’s different… and I can feel the difference, and I appreciate the difference. But when someone does it because they want to fix me, I begin to lie about how I’m doing.

I’m fine.
I’m fine.
I’m fine.

But I’m not fine. And really? Who really IS fine all of the time?
Sometimes I’m happy and grateful and calm or serene. Sometimes I’m relaxed and basking. Oftentimes, I’m genuinely filled with joy. But not always.

Because the point of life is soul burning, improvement, progression, work and truth finding! And those elements rarely -if ever -come about with limitless happiness. Underlying happiness? Probably. But immediate and instantly instated happiness? Gosh, no.

And I just want to say that when I feel it. I’m tired today. I’m maxed out emotionally. I’m stressed. I’m frustrated.

I’m okay with it.
And maybe someday others will be okay with others not being okay without feeling a need to somehow remedy the situation, manipulating it back into HAPPINESS.
Their motives are so pure -it’s true. And I don’t mean to hurl insults at well-intentioned people.

But a few years ago, I miscarried and was on the receiving end of some of the most awful comments from some of the nicest people.

At least you can get pregnant (Your pain doesn’t matter as much as you are letting it).
Thank goodness your body kicked it out -it wasn’t properly growing. (Your freaky body somehow rejects it’s own monsterly mutated children.)
Miscarriages are more common than people realize (hello, Statistic.)

Don’t fix my miscarriage pain. Just hug it, tell it you love it, and then do what you inspired to do -whether that’s walk away or extend a chocolate bar.

Today, my grandest wish is to leave my fixing to only One who really knows how to fix me: My Father in Heaven. My second grandest wish? To be brave enough to stop lying about how I’m doing REALLY. My third grandest wish? To extend the freedom to others to be real with me without fears of my heaping my “intellect” on them -because I’m learning THE HARD WAY that there’s really no such thing as Alicia’s Intellect.

But since I’ve stripped that cape off, I’m sporting something better… and that’s love. I can extend you my love, no matter what you’re going through and I hope you know you can embrace it or reject it or have no emotion toward it whatsoever, and cheers to you… because if you’re like me, you’re going through something hard as well.
Maybe it’s health, maybe it’s finances, maybe it’s emotional, maybe it’s relationships.

And I wish you peace, though happiness can not always be constantly present, peace can.

With that, I’ll log off… having been bravely honest and feeling a lot like a very n@ked baby standing in a wide open field surrounded by my 40 faithful readers (Hi, Mom).


  1. I always enjoy reading your blog, especially when you aren’t sugar coating life. It IS hard. At least when you’re doing it right. By the way, I did placenta encapsulation this time and though it doesn’t seem to have helped my milk supply, I really think it helped with my postpartum hormones. It’s hard to tell for sure, because I have also been getting more sleep than I usually do with a newborn. But I feel like I would normally be having a harder time than I did, especially when dealing with a c-section this time.

  2. Oh, my friend. It’s okay to not be fine, but I agree that it’s far more exhausting to be real and to have people trying to fix you all the time, as well.
    I love you. Thank you for being brave.

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