Every once in a while, something terrible happens to me. I don’t know if it’s a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde thing or if it’s more like a Edward Norton/Incredible Hulk thing.
Basically, the awful monster-like qualities that I battle to keep across the way come out to play. They’re irritating and ugly and I really hate how much I indulge them.
Basically, I want stuff that costs money.
I know. I could just kill myself.
Alright, so it isn’t THAT bad, but I feel so horrible about it!
Guys, I want a house. I do. I want a house that I can decorate using inspiration from my “For the Home” pinterest board. I want to take a BUNCH of cash and spend it on cute maternity clothes so I can feel pretty instead of feeling, well, swollen and fat and frizzy. Also: I want to buy enough dresses that I can comfortably walk around without maternity pants that happen to sit RIGHT on my bladder and keep me from adventures because “oh, that’s no where near a bathroom.”
Too much info? Fair enough. Moving on…
My husband was the one who first raised the whole “Shouldn’t we have another one?” question. As I examined my feelings on the matter, I made him swear he’d hire me some housekeeping help.
That still hasn’t happened because (surprise!) we’re super poor. I thought the house was in bad shape when I had morning sickness.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
It’s so bad right now. I remember when I had hobbies and stuff. Those were fun days. Now I clean and gestate and eat. Lather, rinse, repeat. A friend recently pointed out a housekeeper in the area that charges $10 an hour. If I hired her for 3 hours and HELPED clean… oh the planets just might align!
Next: I want my blue wallpaper gone. I’ve had it for 3 years, and it bums me out. Maybe because it’s blue? As a homemaking mother, I get bummed out that no matter how beautifully clean the house is, that blue wallpaper smashes any and all fancy out of my dinner settings. I tried removing a small piece of it only to discover, much to my horror, that the upper half of the wall had been texturized and the bottom half (under the wallpaper) hadn’t. And they’re two different shades of white which you might think was crazy talk, but I know you’ve all been to the paint sample section at Wal-Mart. Shades of white, there are many.
I want this:
via designyourwall.com
It’s paintable wallpaper! I also love the paintable wallpaper that looks like bead board. But again: we don’t have money for things like that. These days we’re standing in the middle of Sam’s Club wondering if we should get toilet paper OR chicken (guess which ones wins out every time?). The farthest thing from our minds is how many yards of wall paper our dining area “needs”.
I used to make two week menus. I would sit down every day before pay day and make a two week menu and shopping list. It was a gloriously fun time for me, flipping through my old school cookbooks and jotting ingredients down.
Rosy were the days.
Now our budget is just big enough to cover everything we use up. Period. I want to make romantic dinners for two that involve pretty centerpieces and pretty lighting and gourmet food!
But I guess even if I DID have all of that, the wallpaper would giggle tauntingly as I light tea candles.
“You think that’s going to go with alla ‘dis?” It would say, snapping it’s fingers that were created somewhere around 1992.
I’m pregnant, so I want babyish things. I want to buy my own baby STUFF for once. We’ve always been on the receiving end of used baby stuff which is fine… I mean, how else does the world pay for babies? They’re bloody expensive! But I’ve never bought my own crib or stroller or play pen or bassinet or anything of the sort. I feel like I’m missing out on some kind of Parenting Right, and I wish I had $5,000 to play Gear Up for Baby. That’s a game, right?
I pretty sure this all stems from the fact that my husband and I are doing Dave Ramsey’s money blahblahblah stuff. I’m not really high maintenance, and I don’t love spending tons of money. But when you put rules where you don’t usually have them, all of the sudden you WANT EVERYTHING THAT COSTS MONEY.
It’s kind of awful.
1) because you don’t have money.
2) because greed makes you feel yucky inside.
3) because feelings guilty because you feel greedy makes you feel yucky inside.
Thanks for listening. You’re a pal. Getting that off my chest makes me feel like I can handle a few more hours of cleaning.
Alicia
I’m so sorry. It’s completely lame to have the combination of desires and no money, ESPECIALLY when you’re pregnant. It probably doesn’t help, but being such a good example of budgeting and spending wisely, you’re giving your kids a gift that they’ll appreciate FAR more than any of the fun, fancy stuff. I agree, the thought of “decorating a nursery” has always sounded so incredibly fun, but by the time we have money to possibly do that, there definitely won’t be any nurseries to decorate. I hope you can find something fun to distract you, and find some ways to indulge and enjoy yourself without breaking the bank!