Big Heart

My little son is not little, you know. He’s BIG. He tells me all of the time.
“Sit on your little butt,” my Dad told him once.
“Gwannpa, it’s not little. It’s a BIG butt,” he replied. OF course it’s big because HE is big.
“Give me your little arm,” I’ll say.
“Big arm,” he’ll correct me.
I do it on purpose now to see if he’ll catch me and correct me, and he’s never missed a beat.

When we took him to see a pediatric heart specialist 6 weeks ago, we found out not only that he had two innocent heart murmurs but also that his EKG showed a lengthened QT interval.
The doctor asked us to please come back for another EKG and that if it showed again that he had a lengthened QT interval, we would have to make some changes for our BIG boy… some medication changes, some life changes.
“What can we expect if his EKG shows up irregular again?” I asked the doctor.
He refused to tell me and insisted that I not look it up on the internet. It goes against everything in my research-loving nature to NOT look it up but on account of my stubborn prenatal anxiety, I restrained myself.
My husband didn’t, but he’s kept silent about everything he’d read on it.
He’s seen my anxiety in full bloom, and he doesn’t want to fan the spark.
“It may come back regular,” the doctor said, “If it does, we’ll do one EKG a month later, just to be sure. If is doesn’t come back regular, we’ll talk about it then.”

Well, today is the day. I can’t tell you how many prayers I’ve said, how many prayers OTHERS have said, and how worried I’ve been about my BIG man. My husband and I have found ourselves being more patient and loving with him.
We had a family fast for him on Sunday, and I did let the Bishop of our ward know. I didn’t expect him to tell the ward from the pulpit, and at first I was a little embarrassed thinking that I was sort of burdening people with news that may or may not be nothing.
And then I thought about how I’d like to know if one of my Primary kids needed prayers.
That’s all the ward members and family members can do… pray, and the more people that pray, the better off my amazing kid is.
As I kneeled to say my nightly prayers the other night, I mentioned -like I had so very many times before -my son and his upcoming EKG, only this time I was allowed to feel something I’ve never beenĀ privilegedĀ to feel.
As I spoke, my heart was FLOODED with an overpowering feeling of LOVE – this time it was different from the Christ-like love I normally feel when I pray. I could FEEL in my heartest of hearts, the LOVE and CONCERN others were showing. Heavenly Father let me be a part of a heavenly feeling, and it was overpowering.
I will never, NEVER forget the brief moment that my heart almost burst because I was allowed to feel the pure love of family and friends who had sent up prayers on my son’s behalf.
Extra. Ordinary.
As I curled up with my son, I hugged him tight and without thinking asked, “How’s your little heart?”
“It’s BIG, mom,” he corrected me, “It’s just a BIG heart.”

Forgive my momentary lapse in thinking, Big Man. Your heart and spirit have always been bigger than your physical body.

But no matter what you say and no matter much your body grows, you will always just be a little baby to me.
Always, always, always.


  1. Prayers are with you!

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