As Much As I Loathe To Admit…

I’m going through relapses. Did you ever see that somewhat awful movie starring the somewhat brilliant Sandra Bullock (whose picture I used to stare at in hopes that her beauty would somehow morph THROUGH the magazine and onto my own face via science fiction osmosis)? She is an addict, and when her drug of choice is taken away, she buys a sack FULL of sugar candy and eats it. It sort of salves everything for her.
Well, gorsh it all if I’m not finding my own sacks full of sugar candy to salve my distance from the social networking world.
Sure, it’s only facebook.
Sure, it’s not like I’m marooned on an island with nothing but a Wilson volleyball to keep me company.
Oh yeah, and I’m not dead.

But my poor friends. My poor family. My phone calling and picture texting has increased 1000% since I deactivated my account. I walk outside and see my son trying to pull his NON-BOOT CUT (read: somewhat skinny but not totally because mummy won’t allow it) jeans over his cowboy boots. He’s fussing in frustration, and immediately I compose 3 different facebook statuses to go along with the situation, and then -and ONLY then -do I tell him he ought to pick different shoes or a different pair of pants.
Oh wait. I DID take a picture first. I did text it out to my brother.
And then I helped him.
I also made a phone call last night that started like this, “Since I don’t have facebook, can you tell me if the pool is open?”
I’m utterly dependent on facebook’s stupidly shallow WEALTH of useless knowledge! It’s crippled me! No longer do I have to EARN information by looking at bulletins or reading the paper… NO! Gone are the days of normalcy! Usher in the Facebook Age where we can all sit hidden behind a computer screen and gaze into each other’s lives like nosy (albeit CARING) maiden aunts!!
Did you hear about…?
Did you see that…?
Can you believe that…?

And here I sit, disconnected (yet connected all the same… sugar sack, see) my brain fairly begging for more.

Do you SEE how sick I am??? Someone, please! Chant methodical and philosophical mumbo-jumbo into my ear to keep me from hitting rock bottom!
Speaking of Sandra Bullock and her beauty, did you happen to see “America’s Sweethearts”? It’s a dandy of a movie -one that I shouldn’t recommend on account of morals and one pointless (aren’t they all though?) F*bomb. It has an amazing cast, including (but not limited to) Julia Roberts, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Stanley Tucci, and John Cusack.
We see more of John Cuscak, but Stanley Tucci MUST be mentioned first because he is, after all, Stanley Tucci. Somewhere in the beginning of the movie, we see our very own John Cusack “cracked up” and living in a “center.” Apparently he became enraged when he found out his wife was cheating on him and he tried to kill her and THE lover. with his motorcycle as her drove it through the window of The Crumpled Duck.
“She took him there,” *shudder * “She took him to OUR Crumpled Duck.”
He spends over 6 months in a center that has a two week program. He chants, “I’m grateful for the sun. I’m grateful for the moon…” and he has a mentor that feeds him all kinds of meaningless what nots like, “Mecka-lecka-sala-bad. Beem sala beem.”
“What does that mean?” John asks his mentor.
“I do not know, it’s very old,” the mentor replies and offers no further explanation. As John leaves the center on account of Billy Crystal paying the mentor off, the mentor leaves John with one further tip for his uncertain mentally unhinged future.
“Life is a cookie,” he says.

And I guess that’s what I need. I need some mentoring from an old man who has no idea what in the world he’s talking about. Then again, maybe what I need is for someone to tell me to stop replacing social networking with texting.
And movies, apparently.

And oh yeah: Hank Azaria is in it, and he has a lithp that will just delight your scales off.
PPS: text me. please. preferably mumbo-jumbo philosophical intrigues. Given Sandra’s success, I should be much better in roughly 28 days…


  1. Well, I think separation from fb becomes easier with time, and you will eventually stop thinking of status updates that you’ll never post. At least, that’s how it happened for me. For a while I kept thinking of what I was missing or what I could say about this or that, but those things calmed and even went away. At this point, even though my account is currently active, I hardly update because my brain still isn’t functioning in a ‘must-share-every-detail-of-my-life’ sort of way. (And I used to update…too much. So this is polar opposite to how I used to be.)
    Also, I think that an increase in texting and picture messaging and phone calling is much better than facebooking. Sure, you can get in touch with more people all at once through fb, but the interactions are so much more personal, even through something as impersonal as texting.
    Keep it up! It gets easier. And have a cookie. (Have a couple, one for you, one for baby. ;)

  2. I went on a 6 month FB hiatus end of last year and LOVED it after the first week or two. I should do it again but won’t for a while.

    Funny, about your FB separation, I’d just message on on there but couldn’t, so check your email. It’s totally unrelated to the giveaway email from before. :)

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