To Keep You Going

We all feel like we’re not enough. I mean really. Have you EVER met a woman who stood up tall, her boosies thrust out proudly, a finger pointed directly between them while she proudly declares, “I am 100% and thoroughly satisfied with me!”
If you have, please. Point in her direction because I think I might be able to help her write a best seller. She could talk and I would write.

But yesterday I went to bed feeling… I don’t know, dull? I just felt like I had wasted the day. I hadn’t, really. I made food. I ate food. OH! I watched an old western. Wait, that doesn’t count… well anyway. Just before hitting my pillow, I said my prayers and just apologized profusely. I was given a beautiful day and I didn’t make the most of it. Truth be told: I got SICK of eating constantly, and so I slowed down and ended up on my living room floor willing death to come. This nausea is no joke. If I would have just EATEN, I would have been fine.
But that’s all I do.
Eat.
Wash dishes.
Get more food ready.
Eat.
Rinse.
Repeat.

I never thought I’d say it, but I am sick of eating. Some poor, starving child in a third-world country wants to punch me in the face right now for saying that. I can feeeeeel the hatred searing through the miles and miles between us.

Thank goodness for today. Thank goodness I got a fresh start. I exercised this morning, had my morning devotional, came home, cried, slept, ate, and I quickly saw Thursday becoming a subtle rerun of Wednesday.
So I logged online to look through inspiring art work.

This photograph is the epitome of motherhood. Have you ever seen a mother look more beautiful? Maybe you have, but it almost takes my breath away -the moment captured on film. I mean… she’s in her PANTS, people. She’s in her pants and she went in the water anyway. And does she look like she cares that her pants are wet? I don’t see a hint of distress. I only see a lucky kid. A lucky mom. Happiness. And love.

Oh the magical wonder of a new life… I love the look on all of the boys’ faces. They’re curious and in awe -even the father. But the mother? She looks as if she’s had that baby in her arms all her life.

What about that picture is posed? Nothing. Do you like it better than a posed picture? I know I do. Life unposed is always better than life posed. Do I want to remember my life by looking at a series of posed pictures? I don’t. And I don’t want my posterity growing up thinking that their foremother was posed. She wasn’t, kids. She was real from her neglected hair to her belly rolls (I’m talking about myself, just to clarify. I don’t want my mother or grandmothers thinking I believe they neglect their hair).

I can’t for the life of me find who painted this picture, but I absolutely love it. I think it’s probably one of the most beautiful paintings I’ve ever seen. It practically emits love.

And so these pictures will get me through today. They’ve refocused me, and reminded me that motherhood isn’t glamorous -and that’s what I love MOST about it.

Want to know what I’m going to do with this Thursday?
I’m going to do my hair and make up.
I’m going to mail some packages.
I’m going to do dishes.
I’m going to make brownies.
I’m going to serve leftovers for dinner.
I’m going to eat. A lot.
I’m going to watch another old Western.
And through it all, I’m going to be an a mother… no glamour, no polish, no front.

And thanks to a combination of my son and a cell phone camera, I discovered last night that my son has the ability to make me laugh so hard that my eyes almost disappear entirely.

So I guess I DID do something yesterday besides eat.
I laughed a lot.
Maybe yesterday wasn’t as much of a failure as I thought… death willing aside, naturally.