What Happens When

You have a one year old daughter and you take a pregnancy test and it surprises you by coming out positive, and in an effort to calm your shock, you take yourself over to the store and buy a preemie-sized outfit. You get a blue one because you KNOW, you somehow just KNOW that the cells multiplying in your uterus are of the male variety. The outfit is only $1 because it’s on clearance. You purchase it, take it home and hang it up in your room where you can see it every gestational day. It reminds you that you’re okay. That there are good things to come. That even though pregnancy wreaks havoc on your body, mind and marriage, it is WORTH it in the end.
And then the day comes when you get to use the outfit. In fact, you get to bring a baby home in it.

Oh it was a magical day. Pregnancy was over. All of those MONTHS of staring at the preemie blue outfit paid off. He was such a heavenly little thing.

And then he grew and grew. Every few months, you would go through his clothes and box up what didn’t fit… only you couldn’t bring yourself to EVER box up the blue outfit. Every few months, you would pull it out, lift it to your nose, inhale, and promptly shove it to the BACK of your son’s drawer and curse yourself for ever imagining you might be strong enough to box up all that sweet goodness. You know you are weak. You are comfortable in your weakness.
Sometimes you’re so weak that you rationalize skipping laundry day.
And your son has to reach into the BACK of his drawer to find something to wear.

… and that’s what happens when…

He’s still a heavenly little thing, that one.