Growing up, I thought I was different and special.
Then I sorta GREW up and realized I was most definitely wrong. I didn’t come to the realization all on my own, mind you. It was brought to my attention by gut-wrenching experiences like miscarriage.
What? Miscarriage? Isn’t that something that happens to OTHER people? Certainly not ME.
Well, technically it was a “spontaneous abortion” according to the ER papers, but even the doctor nearly teared up as he explained not to give any credit to the technical term. Ouch.
I’ll only leave you with that one bright and happy example, but you get my point.
Anyway, I thought for years and years that I was different. I wasn’t one of “those” moms who needed alone time. I loved being at home, and whenever I had a spare minute (so rare!) I didn’t want to spend it alone. I wanted to spend time with my husband!
After years and years of emotional melt downs and self-loathing, I finally realized something that SHOULD have made me hate myself, but -oddly enough -it didn’t.
Guess what? I NEED alone time. And not just once a month or even once a week.
I NEED alone time… every. dang. day.
Does that make me selfish? Well, only if I don’t take it. Let me explain:
If I don’t wake up earlier than the rest of my family and take some time to spend absolutely alone, I spend the rest of my day trying to escape from life. I run to Netflix, to books, to hulu, to Pinterest… and I’m a complete grouch.
So as it turns out, I’m MORE than one of “THOSE” moms. I’m absolutely more high maintenance, and I repent 10-fold for my previous judgmental attitude toward them.
I mean, for crying out loud! I need time alone every day! Like I said, I WANT to try and hate myself for it, but mostly I’m just grateful that I’ve recognized my needs and how to meet them. My quality of life has improved drastically. I’m a better person, a better wife, and a better mother. And if being selfish it what it takes to get there, than so BE it!
HOWEVER, I have been sleeping in for the past week. Yesterday I sat in bed, browsing the web and trying to occupy my children any possible way I could that didn’t include attention from me. Isn’t that horrible? I know it is which is why I began to hate myself. I escaped into Pinterest and Netflix to make me forget how much I hated myself, but when the movie was over and the Pins all started looking the same, I had to face myself again, and it wasn’t pretty. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I hated the sort of mother I was. And then the hate sort of swarmed around me and clung to everything I looked at.
Oh, that wall paper. Could it BE any more AWFUL?!
Oh, that spot on the carpet. A good housekeeper would have cleaned it up rather than watched a movie.
Oh, that old bucket of paint.
Oh, oh, oh…
As the day crept slowly on, my own House of Hate started closing in on me, and suddenly a guardian angel tapped me on the shoulder and DECKED me.
You bloody idiot, it whispered (because, as I’ve mentioned before, angels CAN be rotten), All you need is to get out of the house and spend some time alone. You should have been doing it all week, but NO! You had to SLEEP!
And then it marched off into the air, shaking it’s fist as it went and muttering things like, Just when I think she’s learned…
I immediately picked up my cell phone, asked my husband to please stay home with the kids, and then I LEFT.
Is it fair that my husband had to pick up the pieces because I indulged in sleeping in? No. It’s not.
Also, our relationship (which has always been one of my favorite things) has sort of taken a back seat.
Okay, it’s taken a nose dive, but whose keeping track? Apparently, not us. I HATE that. After watching this video during Family Home Evening on Monday:
I just started crying. Crying, crying, crying. And then I was suddenly hungry -STARVING -for a spark. The absolute last thing I want in the WORLD is to have my relationship with my own husband be one of the many, many, MANY reasons I come to realize that I’m no different than anybody else. Because guess what? When it comes to our love, I feel we ARE different. His love for me and my love for him… it’s something great -it’s something amazing, and it’s something others spend their entire lives looking for.
I. HAVE. IT.
It sleeps next to me, and it snores. It leaves paper trails and sock trails and it plays video games until it gets headaches.
It fixes, it paints, it cooks, it laughs, it hugs, it kisses, and it genuinely CARES.
Years ago, I took much better care of it. I even wrote a “100 reason why I love Danny” list.
So yesterday, after icing my jaw, I curled my hair. I sat down at the computer, and I wrote another list. I took the time I had alone and I spent every dollar in my pocket (plus $10 from my bank account) on my husband.
I’m putting it together today along with an impromptu party. I’ve got strawberries to cover in chocolate, a chocolate cake mix, and sparking cider. The kids and I are going to throw Dad a party. What for? Because. That’s why. And he deserves every little sprinkle.
Today I’ll be creating yet another pin board. A DATING pin board. In the meantime, if you’re dating someone, please take a few minutes to read
article about dating. When I first stumbled across it, I thought it would be the same ol’ runnath’mill dating such-and-such, but it really isn’t. It is a good read, and heaven help me if I don’t PRINT IT OUT to use it as a reference sheet during my next date with my husband.