Present Opening Tradition?

My Dad’s Christmas present came in the mail yesterday.
(Mom, don’t let Dad read this post!)

If I haven’t already paraded it in your face, read on so I can parade it in your face. I’m so excited over this gift -it’s something I’ve wanted to get him for a long time. This year, I finally took the time (and it took some TIME) to make it for him.

I realize that cover is painfully simple, but you wouldn’t BELIEVE how long it took for me to get it looking like that. I’m not very computer literate.
We open up to find my picture. Vanity, ho!

There’s a table of contents, complete with a skankily-clad cowgirl bangin’ on a triangle.
Boy, does THAT sound bad…

Thanks to mistake on my part, the Table of Contents is exactly one page off. I left a blank page in the middle of one of the poems. I could SWEAR I didn’t, but obviously I did.
The book is rife with cowgirls. I even found a festive one! Doesn’t she make your soul feel merry and bright?

I added some carefully selected clip art throughout the book…
And I even customized some of the cowgirls, using them to display the poem titles.

Isn’t she sweet? I mean, she’s really brazen and all, but I don’t mind my Dad seeing a bit o’ thigh. But there are some things a daughter can NOT allow… namely: too much breast, even if it is of the illustrated variety.

What better place to put a poem title than RIGHT across a chest? Perfect.
Here’s a friendly one on the back cover waving ay-dee-ose.

And look… look at the binding:

Golly, kids… I am just SO happy with it! Despite the many times I read over every line, I still found quite a few errors. But that’s okay. I’m not sending this to a printing press, I’m sending this to Dear Ol’ Dad.
Even if he doesn’t ever use it… even if he shelves it… I’m so bloomin’ happy with it that I couldn’t care less. I’ve wanted to see this gift idea come to life for years, and now here it is! My only regret is that there’s no new material in it. He’s read all 4 of the poems I put in it.
And yeah. Four poems do not exactly make a book… unless you make it yourself. Ha!
I bested the system.

Now. I’m dying to wrap it and give it to him.
The kids are too.

But first, I have to tell you story (isn’t that my JOB?). We’ve been trying to potty train the boy despite the fact that he isn’t ready. Before you go on judging me, let me just say: he’s 3 and 3 months. It isn’t that I want to save the whole whopping $14 a month I spend on cheap diapers. It’s just that I’m SICK of CRAP. Baby crap is one thing. But kid crap?
I’m done with it.
My poor boy has even gone so far as to say, “I don’t want to be big, Mom!” Well, I don’t want him to be big, either. But life is such… people grow up and somewhere along that road, they start taking care of themselves. But my son doesn’t want to. He’s scared stiff to let his crap take the plunge (literally, people). Luckily, my son is also a big fan of instant rewards. I told him that if he would poop in the potty, he could unwrap a present from under the tree.
THAT did it. He let loose of 5 days’ worth of digested goods, and was rewarded with one present from under the tree… a stuffed Angry Bird. Because I can’t go on letting him unwrap his gifts, I made a new deal with him: if you go #2, you get ipod touch time. It’s working like a charm, and the best part? He has a buddy to take to the bathroom with him now. The boy has always been a sort of snob when it comes to baby things. He refused baby food as an infant and only ate the REAL DEAL (pasta, roast… my pediatrician wasn’t my biggest fan, but in my defense, the boy was HUNGRY). When he fed himself, he refused baby utensils. He never cared for baby TOYS, and he spent his time playing with remotes, cell phones (threw mine in the toilet where it got JAMMED in the “canal” and vibrated like mad until we set it free -a story that deserves it’s own blog post), and tennis balls.
Naturally, he shuns the entire idea of a toddler potty.
You might say they’re “for the birds” but only if you have an eye-rolling sense of humor like I do.

Anyway, this is all going back to my main point: Dad’s present. I showed it to the kids and said, “Let’s go home and wrap it up so we can give it to him!”
“Yeah!” The girl cried out in glee.
“And we could tell him he hasta POOP da POTTY so he can open it and it will be SOOOOO FUUNNNNNYYYYY!” The boy cried out, equally as gleeful.

What of it?
Should we make it a tradition? Want to open your gift, babe? Sorry, babe… not until you’ve dropped a poopy in the potty!
Or is my son just thinking we’re playing a sort of joke on HIM.
“Hey, Danny… let’s tell Trent he has to poop before he can open a gift and it will be SOOOO FUNNNNYYYY! Har, har, har!”
Well whatever the reason, it worked! My son is no longer walking in quick circles around our living room with his butt cheeks clenched together chanting, “I don’t needa poop, I don’t needa poop, I don’t needa poop…”

Now, WHAT to DO with that extra $14 a month?


  1. Save it for a trip to SLC!!! :)

    By the way. I laughed so hard at all of this! I love your stories!

  2. This was way too funny! I needed a good laugh (and I’ve been there before too so I could relate completely). Good job on the book too.

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