How Do I Relate To Thee?

For the past few months, a marital concern has been weighing on my mind.  I can’t decide if it’s worth hashing over or not, and in trying to decide I hash and hash and hash.  I brought it up to my husband once as we were about to fall asleep.  The room was pitch black.  My husband was lying on his side, facing away from me, and I was lying on my back, staring up into the darkness.

“Honey,” I said.

“Mm,” he replied.

“Does it bother you that we don’t have any common interests?” I asked.

“No,” he replied.

And that was it.  It didn’t bother HIM so why should I worry?

To be fair: we do have many similar interests like politics and religion and our kids, but I guess I was hoping for something else… I spend hours reading classic literature and poetry and when I quote it to him, he blinks back at me with the same expression Dora the Explorer has on her face while she’s “waiting” for an answer.

Very good!

It isn’t fair to want him to be interested in what I’m interested in.  I should look to his interests and make them my own.  But basketball? Jay Z? While I’m more than willing to buy him game tickets and sit with him while he watches/listens to games… I’m not actually watching or listening at all.  I mean, I really TRY to.  I try my darndest!  I WANT to listen.  I WANT to watch.  But I always get distracted by watching the crowd or studying the player’s tattoos instead.  And hip hop? I can’t hack it.  I don’t complain about it, I just refrain from putting it on my iPod.  And when I drive, my iPod goes in and his takes a nap.

I realize that our differences are what makes us tick and I shouldn’t try and force anything.  One of the many beautiful things about our marriage is the way we can talk for hours, but we don’t talk for hours about just anything.  We talk about other people.   And THAT is where my hang up is.  THAT is what’s making me invest hashing-time into finding other interests.

Two nights ago, I brought it up again.

“Honey,” I said, “Don’t you think we ought to find an interest together?”

“Why do you keep bringing this up?” He asked, laughing.

“I just think that we should find something we’re both interested in so that when we’re talking we’ll have something to talk about.”

“Don’t you think we shouldn’t try to force conversation?” He asked.

“Yes, but I also think we should try to talk about something other than other people, even if it isn’t all bad.” I said.  He was silent for a minute.

“But it’s so fun,” he nudged me.

“That’s not the point,” my voice took on a super-righteous tone.

“Everyone talks about other people.  All couples do it.” He reasoned.

“That doesn’t mean we have to,” I maintained my tone.  He groaned.

“Walking, window shopping, gardening, our kids, the church… How’s that for a list?”

“You’re right!” I brightened up, “We can talk about walking and gardening!”

“There ya go,” he said.

“You know who I saw walking the other day…”

And so you see, we are doomed.  Our common interest is other people. I did mention to him that a common interest of “other people” is not really healthy and hardly the key to a rich, lasting marriage.  He agreed, and then we talked about people again.

There’s always politics and religion…
And thank goodness for mistletoe.

Comments

  1. Adam and I still have conversation, and that astounds me to some degree. I would’ve thought myself talked out spending this much time with another person, and I’m still finding stuff out about him that I didn’t know. And finding more dirty jokes I’d never aired out before because I didn’t have someone to share them with. (Translation: I didn’t understand what they meant before I was married.)

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