Let me tell you how something the size of an APPLESEED is causing me a great deal of… I don’t know what the right word is. I’m only a little uncomfortable. I’m a lot tired. I’m hungry. But I don’t really think of those things as “complaints.” I do have one legit complaint.
I’m going crazy.
My poor husband is sitting on the sidelines, watching me spiral out of sanity. He’s comfy with it by now… with the girl’s pregnancy, he spun out with me. With the boy’s pregnancy, he couldn’t figure out WHAT was wrong with me. This go around, he recognizes the symptoms and he sits back like an experienced parent… “it’s just a phase… it will pass.”
I have to say, it’s really disheartening that something the size of an APPLESEED is having such a grand effect on me. I mean, that thing could fit on my pinky finger tip and STILL have miles of room.
Here’s the thing: I’m terrified of miscarriage. You would think that having had come through it once, I’d be fine. I’d be saying to myself, “I’ve done it once and lived through it. Surely going through it again wouldn’t kill me.”
I can say that.
Whether or not I BELIEVE it is something entirely different.
Consequently, I’m analyzing every. little. symptom.
“Honey, does my belly look smaller today? It does. I know it does. That’s it. This pregnancy is done for. It’s only matter of time now.”
“I think you’re fine. You did this last time with Trent. You poked out far and then it went back in and you thought you weren’t pregnant anymore… but you were.”
“REALLY?!?!” I cry out, clutching my belly.
“Yeah, really.”
And then I’m fine. for a while.
But here’s the gritty: I’m not sick. Now, in my mind I KNOW that I don’t get sick until the middle of week 5 or start of week 6, and is it absolutely nuts that I’m looking forward to being sick? I know I’ll eat my words very soon indeed, but at the same time: what a comfort morning sickness can be… like one big warm punch to the stomach to let you know your baby is growing juuuuust fine and you can stop worrying and focus all of your energy on up-chucking.
Is it nuts that I’m looking FORWARD to that?
I confessed that to my sister-in-law who is by ALL means more relaxed and infinitely more grounded.
“Well, there’s nothing you can do,” she said, “If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen.”
“And that’s what bothers me so much!” I confessed. I obviously don’t have the faith of many… the faith to just let whatever needs to happen… happen. At least in this case. Because I want my kid, dang it. Every little seed-sized piece of it.
I’m my own worst enemy in the first trimester, folks. My very worst.
Pregnancy is such a conglomeration of emotions and feelings. So exciting, and yet I hate it while it’s happening. Especially the sickness. But if the sickness isn’t there (all day, all the time) I start worrying. Don’t even get me started on the time my doctor told me things didn’t look good, and to “call me if you start bleeding over the weekend” but I was still insanely sick all the time. Sickness+no baby? I was a complete, miserable wreck. (If only I had known what a good sign it was, and had a little more faith, like my husband, that everything might be fine despite what the all-knowing doctor told me…) Good luck to you on feeling sick soon, I guess. :) Try to find something to distract yourself!
I don’t think a threat of a miscarriage could get easier if you haven’t been through it or you’ve had 10. It’s a new baby, your coming up with new hopes and new dreams for THAT baby… Nope it doesn’t get easier just because you’ve lived through it. You’ll always just want that baby here and safe. As for sickness, I had days I felt awful then there would be one day in there that was great and not a hint of nausea. I would get worried and say that I just wanted to be sick again! Bring it on it I wanted the peace of mind.
Who’s really logical during pregnancy anyway??? It’s overrated.
Do you think maybe you just swallowed an appleseed? Because you know, you could just be growing an apple tree in your belly…
Ha ha! I love Laurie’s comment…and I agree with her. I bet that’s what it is…or maybe a watermelon seed. ;)
I have had those same feelings. You’re not insane…just a pregnant woman who wants a baby and knows how it feels to lose one. So of you are insane, then so is another kazillion women out there feeling the same way. :)